A cautionary tale to anyone thinking of polluting the world with offspring: if you don't watch closely, your children will stumble upon your homemade aircraft and drift away.

The ludicrousness of this entire story continues to baffle my mind. First, we have a six-year-old named Falcon. FALCON. OK, it's not his fault his parents were into free love and experimented with acid in their youth, but hearing a child named after a bird of prey makes me want to punt him across a football field that much more. Then, enter two parents who busy themselves with "science" and "stormchasing." The family was even featured on Wife Swap, which we all know is code for "One Really Uptight Family and One Family Who Eats Off the Trampoline While Doing Jiu Jitsu and Ballerina Simultaneously." Let's take an educated guess and say they were the former.

So, enter the father, who instead of tossing a football to his young son, decides to help Falcon build an aluminum balloon, because all children dream of constructing UFOs with their parents. Then, while Father is off shearing the llamas, curious Falcon untangles the carelessly tied rope and up goes the balloon. Then, while Falcon high tails it to the attic, brother Sparrow erroneously tells his parents that Falcon went bye bye, and the nation bites its nails as said balloon floats precariously into clear blue skies on national television. Mothers everywhere clutch their children closer, muttering through worried but clenched teeth,"Don't you EVER take off in a balloon, mister!" An hour or so passes, the balloon lands, but alas, NO BOY LIES INSIDE. What happened to him? Oh, the humanity! Is he in the forest? Inside the mouth of a puma? Where is little Falcon?

Wait. The squirmy shit is inside the attic. In a box. Well, no wheat grass and llama milk for you tonight, Falcon. You go straight to bed and think about what you've done. When you're done with that, you can apologize for being born.

Yeah yeah, he's just a little boy, blah blah blah. Bullshit. If that were me, my ass would be so raw I wouldn't be able to sit for a month. Besides, he had ADD, and autism, and he's special, and he didn't mean it. I smell an Oprah appearance.