The girls at work have designated every Tuesday as Ladies' Night, and although I never pictured myself partaking in such an activity I have come to look forward to our little tradition. Sometimes I need to be around other females instead of rotting on the couch during Monday Night Football. (How many more months?!)

Yesterday over dinner we stumbled upon the topic of men, marriage and children, and how various men at our workplace, all married with children, were miserable. In fact, a lot of married people we know are miserable. And what's more, we couldn't think of one married couple, with the exception of our boss, who still grabs his wife's ass, who were happy.

My entire life has gone according to some plan: first grade school, then high school, then college. Now that I'm free from the confines of semesters and GPAs, I'm very quickly learning that life is not some beautiful utopia here for my enjoyment; life is merely moments strung together by more moments, some of which are filled by work, some with an occasional laugh, others with boredom, and everything else melts together like a gelatinous concoction of experiences and soul-searching. When I was younger, I used to imagine that there was a man out there who was perfect for me. We'd know we were meant to be together as soon as we locked eyes; we'd never fight, we'd complete each others' sentences. Now that I've dated and been in a few serious relationships, I'm beginning to feel that same sense of disappointment when I learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus. I'm beginning to wonder if there's any such thing as love.

I wonder if it is possible to be truly happy with someone. Is there such thing as a soul mate, or is that a myth perpetuated by religion and Walt Disney? Can we really forsake all others? I look at the relationship I'm in now. The other day I caught my boyfriend in a less than ideal situation. Do I really believe that he was going to cheat on me? No. Call me naive, but I really don't. Do I think he's an idiot at times who makes bad decisions? Yes. Am I overemotional and do I read into his actions and words too much? Yes. But most of the time he makes he happy, and most of the time I enjoy being with him. We get along, we make each other laugh, we're comfortable around one another, and I think that's all I can expect out of any relationship I will ever be in. There is no pot of gold, no happy ending. There are concerns, and there are discussions which lead to arguments, and sometimes you go to bed angry and other times there are resolutions.

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, but now that I've entered the workforce I'm surrounded by people who have just been married or are about to get married, and I've put in a lot of thought into the whole institution. I can't imagine standing in front of a man and signing a contract which says that it will be the two of us from this day forward. It's beautiful and it's terrifying. I would never get a tattoo because I can't think of anything I would want to bear permanently on my body, so how could I be asked to decide if another human being is going to fit me for the rest of my life? Maybe people really just don't know. Maybe they go into it knowing that there is a certain point where it won't be easy anymore. Maybe they don't think about getting to that point and that's why there are so many divorces. Maybe there are a lot of things I just don't understand.

My parents got married because that's what they were supposed to do. My mom told me that my grandmother was going to set up an arranged marriage for her but my mother refused. Granted, my grandparents were Italian immigrants who were behind the times, but knowing that my own mother, only a generation before me, would have been forced to marry someone is shocking. Had she made her own choices, she would have went to college, put off getting married and maybe never would have had children. I feel that people do things because they feel they ought to, not because they want to. They have kids because it's time to, because their clocks are ticking, because they want to save a marriage or gain a sense of purpose. Maybe those are the right reasons for having kids, who knows.

I guess all these realizations come with getting older. I'm not even that old; I'm just not an innocent child anymore. I distinctly remember being small and visiting my cousin's house. She was much older, probably in high school at the time, and I remember being shocked that there were no toys in her room. Didn't she get bored? I thought. What did she do all day? Now I feel like I'm in that room again. How do people manage? How do they go on?