Dear A,

What I did to you was hurtful, dishonest and ugly, and I would never want anyone to treat me the way I have treated you. You'll probably never see this letter and I'll never tell you that I've written it, but it exists here on the internet and somehow I find solace in that.

I am capable of being monstrously selfish, and you had the ability to absorb my flaws and love me blindly. I took that for granted. I took everything you offered and always demanded more, and although you could have turned your back to me, your arms were always open; your voice always calm and measured. When I was spinning into reckless oblivion, you pulled me towards the ground. When I was confused, lost, and without words, you waited until I could speak again.

It's taken me a year to realize just how much I miss the breezy afternoons we spent together. You were always up for a run and some Indian food after. I'd sit on your bed, you'd play the guitar. I was safe with you, and you were amused by me.

Yet for some reason I couldn't see how fortunate I was. I was seeking something I could never find in our relationship, I was searching for a spark. I was waiting for the butterflies in my stomach but they never came. I grew bored. I learned to predict you, to take advantage of you. And then I met him.

We worked together for several months before he invited me out to dinner with some other coworkers. We had barely made conversation before that, and I accepted his offer because I wanted to make friends at work. But I was doomed. When we all sat down to eat, I found myself laughing at his jokes. The butterflies made an appearance. An unspoken attraction was there. I did not intend to act on it because I wholeheartedly believe cheating is wrong. He asked if I'd like to get drinks. I did not decline. I did not tell him I was dating you. And I did not regret it.

Then I found myself in a situation that was unique to me; I had you, my loving, loyal boyfriend, but I was bored with you. I cared for you, I valued you, yet I had been steadily losing interest in our relationship for a long time. I was scared to be alone, I was scared I'd never find anyone to love me like you did, so I did not end things. I assumed we'd get through it. But there was this other boy in the picture now. He captivated me. I could not understand why I was so attracted to him. I just felt it in the pit of my stomach, where I was supposed to feel it for you but never did. Yes, I loved you and cared for you. But these feelings were primal, they were not to be reckoned with. I'm a logical person. I was not about to let some trivial lust interfere with us. But it was, and I didn't know how to stop it.

So I hung around this boy some more. I did not tell you about him, and of course, I never told him I was taken. I didn't want to. It was so unlike me to be so dishonest, but there was some irrational part of me which compelled me to continue. I began to see that I felt more for him than I did for you and that soon I'd be forced to make a decision.

You know what I chose. You know I came to your house and told you it was over. You remember me crying, but you probably don't know how I feel a year later. At first, I didn't miss you too much. I was caught up in the glare of a new relationship, but now I see that you were wonderful and that I'll probably never have a chance with someone like you again. I do love my current boyfriend, but he doesn't go for runs with me like you did. He doesn't know how to calm me down. You always put me first, and I sincerely miss that.

The way I treated you was an insult to your warm soul. I gave you up just to fulfill some thirst I thought was necessary to quench. You have a new girlfriend now, and I truly hope you are happy. I didn't deserve you, and now that I've lost you, I see the sort of men I'll have to wade through before I can find anyone close to you. I love my boyfriend, but I find myself constantly comparing him to you. He is not the same, and perhaps it's severely unfair to place him next to you, but I can't help the way I feel. I don't trust him the way I trusted you. I often get the feeling he doesn't value the time we spend together the way you did. I'm not sure if I've made a mistake. I'm not sure if I'll look back on this in a few years and still lament over our demise. But no matter what happens, I want you to know that I am eternally sorry for treating you the way I did, and I hope you can forgive me.