Out comes the carton of ice cream. Then the spoon. Now my fingers prepare to recall today's events. Disclaimer: Yes, I'm aware that it could be worse and that I'm lucky to have a job. But today still sucked.

At work, I often feel like the Stupidest Person Alive. The Stupidest Person Alive gets confused when people give her directions. The Stupidest Person Alive then has to sheepishly ask questions at the worst possible time and takes it personally when someone snaps at her. The Stupidest Person Alive forgets gear, doesn't always get enough information to write a decent story and gets lost on the way to assignments.

Today I came to work early and left late. I sat through a trial where two parents pleaded guilty to starving their baby to death. The trial was interesting, but I didn't get all I needed to video wise. Then I felt like a moron when the reporter I was with asked if I had rolled on something and I had to tell her no. I had other technical problems as well, and I ruminated over them the whole way back to the station. I could go into detail, but the bottom line is that we were handed an important project and I didn't feel as though I had completed it to the best of my ability. This is distressing. I want to be good at my job. I want to have people respect me, yet sometimes I feel like an utter failure. Sometimes I just want to go home, lock myself in my room and research communes on an island somewhere. I get that life is hard, but there's something very isolating about how I feel now. I've always had a plan; go to college, figure out what it is I want to do with my life, get a job. Except I skipped the figuring out part, and now I'm clueless and afraid that I'll get stuck somewhere. I need someone to drop from the heavens and tell me to go do something. I'll do anything. Well not anything, but I could do anything, I could go anywhere, and that's scary because I'm comfortable here and I don't want to sacrifice that because that would mean I'd have to take a risk and I can't do THAT because I need a plan for everything. Other people have real problems.