There have been various points in my life where I could have benefited from antidepressants. Last year, the stress of my senior year of college along with taking on a new job left me feeling immensely overwhelmed. A few months ago, when I was working early morning hours, I contemplated quitting said job and moving back home because I couldn't fathom it any longer. Through all these ups and downs, nothing has been quite as severe as the bout of depression I battled last week.

I'm pretty sure it's because of the birth control pills I've recently started taking. I've always had my moods. Don't all women get irritable around their period? But the feeling that washed over me this past week was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I didn't feel like going to work. Or socializing. Or going to the gym. Or laughing. Or being around people. Or talking to my boyfriend. I just wanted to shut myself in my room and sleep for days on end. It wasn't because I was exhausted; I've been getting plenty of sleep. And my life is pretty normal. Many of my friends here have moved, so I've been feeling a little lonely, but other than that, things have been alright. So there was no justification for the sadness I felt. I was just so hopeless. I felt like no one cared about me, no one wanted to be around me, and that I didn't deserve the air I was breathing. I just wanted to die. Just wither away and die. No one would notice anyway.

So on Wednesday evening I swallowed 12 sleeping pills and chased them with vodka. I didn't intend to kill myself, but I wasn't bothered by the fact that it could have been an outcome. I just wanted to stop feeling things, to be unconscious for awhile. I turned my phone off. I thought about how my roommate would react if he found my cold body. Eh, whatever.

The drowsiness began to hit around forty-five minutes later. I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, but after awhile I woke up. I stared at the walls around me. My body felt like it weighed a ton, and it took great effort to move my arms. I couldn't feel the blanket on top of me. I couldn't keep my eyes open and my breathing was so slow that I feared if I went back to sleep I would forget how to inhale. I fought to stay awake, to remain conscious, but even with my eyes open, my body was drifting elsewhere. It was a frightening moment. You got what you wanted, I thought to myself. This was it. I really was going to die. I was going to die in my sleep and no one would notice till I didn't show up for work two days later.

Somehow, amidst my fear that I'd forget to breathe, I fell asleep. I was out for almost 13 hours. When I awoke, I felt so weak and stupid. What had I done? Had I really tried to kill myself? What if I had succeeded? I didn't think my mind was capable of venturing to such a dark place. I had to do something about this. I decided that I would stop taking my birth control pill, since these symptoms, along with vomiting, headaches, rashes, and dry skin only came along in the time I'd been taking it. I'd rather have a pregnancy scare than feel this way. Online research has yielded innumerable comments from women who experienced severe depression while taking Trinessa.

I wrote my boyfriend an email telling him what I'd done and apologized to him for being an outright bitch this entire week. I hope that once this pill works itself out of my system, I will return to my normal self. For a few days, I had a taste of what it feels like to truly be depressed. It was awful and I hope I never go there again.