I'm a naturally shy person, and life isn't always easy for my kind. In fact, throughout most of my schooling I tried my best to remain hidden from my peers. I wouldn't dare raise my hand in class, let alone stand up for myself when I was teased mercilessly. I was happiest at home, reading a book or writing in my diary. My biggest wish back then? To be accepted. If I couldn't do that I could at least remain invisible.

I came out of my shell a little in high school, and by the time I got to college I was ready for a reinvention. No more taking crap from people; if I didn't like someone or something, I'd be sure to show it, regardless of what others thought. It was the beginning of a new, bold me who had quit the business of pleasing others and was only looking after herself. World, here I come.

In some ways my novel mentality helped me make friends and adjust to campus life fairly well, but it really hurt me too. I was kind of a bitch. I was so determined not to be the underdog that I completely disregarded other people's feelings in certain situations, then claimed I didn't care because I had to look out for myself first. I ruined several friendships by being too emotional and dramatic; one was with a guy I was beginning to have feelings for, another with a girl in my circle of friends. In the guy's case, things got out of hand when I realized I liked him. I can't remember all the details, but one night we were supposed to hang out and I wound up getting really drunk and couldn't find him. I remember bursting into his dorm room and yelling about how he was a liar, then crying in the hallway. YIKES.

My relationship with the girl soured when she wanted us to all live next to her crush the next year in the dorms. She had blogged about it, and I made an account and used it to write nasty things in the comment section of her blog. I could have just had a mature, adult conversation about it in person, but no. I chose to be brazen and make a statement because I wasn't going to take crap from anyone, see?

I did apologize to her a few months later. She accepted and we're still friends, although I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some strain between us. As for the guy, we never talked again.

After my freshman year of college I re-evaluated my no-BS policy. It took a lot of inner reflection, but five years later I finally think I'm in a good place. There's definitely a balancing act at work and at times I just have to repeat in my head, "Keep. Your. Mouth. Shut." I do think I have anxiety; I'm always paranoid that people don't like me and I often decide that the worst-case scenario is the likely reason for someone's behavior. For example, if someone were to cancel plans with me I'd assume it was because they didn't like me, didn't want to be friends with me and that they'd never want to hang out with me again. I would then run through a list of recent transactions I'd had with the person and try and figure out if any where inappropriate, when in reality, the person probably just didn't feel well or something else came up.

Obviously I'm a work in progress, but I'm better than I was five years ago. I'm realizing that while it's necessary to speak your mind at times, it's also best just to let things go. And waiting a day before sending an angry e-mail? Yeah, I do that. A lot.