see...being the child of an alcoholic has it's upside too. I didn't understand some of the implications until now...

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"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

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Okay okay. Enough enough.

I'm cooling down. I'm taking a deep breath and stepping back and just cooling the hell down. I'm going to give it a little distance, but there are things that I can do to try and repair things, and there are things that I can't do. I'm going to do my darndest to try and repair things with those that I've hurt, and those that I think have hurt me. And all I can do is try. And if it doesn't work, it won't be for lack of trying. And if it doesn't work, then I have the serenity to know that I did what I could, and that's all that I can really do.

All I can do in this life, is to be the person that I want to be. I'll make my mistakes and I won't be perfect. And I'm fine with that.

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I'll just say this now, I'm through with this chapter in my life. I'm through with hearsay! If I have a problem with someone because of something that I've "heard" that they said, then if I don't speak to that person directly, I have no one but myself to blame when I get upset over it. And I'm going to assume that those of you who read this, will offer me the same courtesy. But if you don't, then I really have the serenity to know that I'm doing all that I can do.

I've come to learn, that there are just certain life lessons that I keep having to learn over and over and over and over...

I'm learning that as an adult, if I have a problem with someone, then I have many different options. I can either go to that person directly and talk with that person. I can not talk it over with that person. I can go through third party channels, or I can just bottle it away. I'm learning, that the choice I want to make, is to talk to that person directly. I think that being an adult means speaking to a person directly, if you have a problem with something that they've said or done.

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I'm learning that I'm hoping that people will offer me this same courtesy. I'm learning that if someone has a complaint with something that I've said, or something that someone "heard" that I've said, that I'd hope that they'd come to me directly. I REALLY want to have adult relationships with all my friends and family. And I know that in order for this adult relationship to flourish, I'm going to need as much reciprocation of this belief as possible.

So I'm asking here and now, to all who read this, if you choose to be a friend of mine or have any kind of relationship with me, PLEASE know that I'm going to be nothing but honest with you. And I'd like you all to be completely honest with me.

But all I can really know, is that what I'm doing. And I'm working on it. And I'll continue to work at it.

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I'm learning (and this is a mistake that it feels like I keep making) that I cannot and should not use third person information in any way shape or way, or no matter how close I am to that person. I have to cut out that third person. If I have an issue with someone, I have have have to go to them directly as pleasant or painful as the situation is. I have to stop thinking with the mindset that just because someone said that someone said something about me, that it doesn't necessarily make it so. That in order to cut down on confusion, I should go to that person directly.

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I am learning that I am socially screwed up in the friendship area. In high school, I didn't have many friends. I honestly can't think of anyone from high school, that I look forward to seeing at my 10 year high school reunion in 2006. I look forward to seeing everyone that I was in band with, but for the most part, none of them were just true blue friends that I'd call up on any given day. In the Marines, I made some fantastic friends (Drew, Eric, Robert specifically) but for the most part, it seemed like every other relationship I had in the Marines was somewhat immature. And when I got to College, it took me a bit of time to adapt to both the College atmosphere, and to the fact that I was once again in a place where it would be hard to meet friends. And then it felt like the one person that I wanted to hang out with the most, was for the most part (and rightfully so) occupied with both a relationship and other activities.

So coming from the Marines, where I was somewhat a social butterfly, I retreated back to where I was in High School. I stayed in my apartment. Watched movies and played around on the computer. I got involved in the Green Party on campus, and had a good time. But I wouldn't say I made very many friends. To further my love for progressive social causes and progressive politics, I joined the FMLA because at the time, it seemed like the only progressive group no campus that actually did anything. I also went to the Sierra Club, Green party, and occasionally the College Democrats on campus. But even in those places, it felt like I wasn't really meeting any friends. And as a matter of fact, it felt like I wasn't really making any friends in the FMLA either. For the most part, it felt like to me that I was just "Luke's brother." "Who's that guy over there?...Oh that's Luke's brother." So I wasn't getting many friendships from the FMLA.

So I contemplated switching my major to Social Work. I took the intro class with Mark Sandel. And what's the first thing he says to me on the first day of class? He's taking roll and calling off the names. "Matthew McKibben...*pauses*..."you must be Luke's brother." So I also joined MAV, a group that my brother helped start. And I shit you not, every time I'd get introduced by the other active member Jarron Benjamin, I'd ALWAYS get introduced as Luke's brother.

So yeah...I'm a bit of a social schizophrenic. When I make friends now, I get kinda antsy about adding anyone else into the mix. And honestly, it wasn't until Luke and Jamie left UNT, that I started to make any kind of friendships that meant anything to me. And I DO NOT want to place any kind of blame on them. This falls squarely on my shoulders. But I cannot deny that it has been a lot easier on me since they left. It feels like once again, that I am my own person, and not just "Luke's brother."

So I get nervous introducing Anya to the FMLA. Looking at it analytically, I shouldn't be nervous about it. But you also have to keep in mind that I've seen the FMLA go through many changes. This group has a whole different feel and vibe now than it had when it first started. The people now seem a little less "anarchist/fundamentalist/completely black or white group" that it appeared to be when it first started. You don't have the amount of drama and back biting now that it had in it's first few years of existence. You don't have the back stabbing (for the most part) that the group had initially. Nearly everyone who I've heard make snide comments about Anya being pro-life has left the group. It doesn't seem like that big a deal anymore. But I distinctly remember instances of when Anya and I would go to an FMLA function, people would introduce Anya like this...and I quote..."Hey, this is Matt's girlfriend...she's pro-life." I can't imagine anyone in the group doing something like this now, but at one time, the FMLA was a much different type of group with a different kind of activist involvement. But it still kinda seems like I have that mindset, that if I invite her to this group, she may come under the verbal knife of someone who sees people through "pro-life/pro-choice" colored glasses.

I'm wrong to think this though. From the friends that I've made in the past year, this is simply not the case. But it still kinda makes me nervous. Because I know that for a lot of these activists, they are dedicating their lives to the specific issue of reproductive right. So it does kinda make me nervous to introduce Anya into an environment, where at one time, she would have come under the scrutiny of those in the group.

Does it seem like I've been keeping Anya from the group? Probably yes. I can't deny that. All I can do is try and assure everyone that this was not intentional. I'd say that this perception was caused by me, and me solely. And if I had to chalk it up to anything, I'd say that it's a combination of what I wrote above, a bit of social paranoia that the friends that I've made will start liking Anya more than myself (again, that friendship thing again), a bit of me wanting to keep my own set of friends that are altogether separate than Anya's friends at all costs.

So does the perception exist that I'm keeping Anya away from my female friends? Yeah...I'm sure it does exist. But please believe me that it's not due to some kind of dark, sinister plot. If I had to summarize, I have less to worry about John and Jace becoming friends with Anya and ditching me in the process, than I do of my other female friends becoming friends with Anya and ditching me in the process. You know? I don't have much to worry about Jace and John, being the SW fans/X-Box/PS2 fans that they are, suddenly realizing that they're better friends with Anya than myself. But it does kinda seem like Anya has a lot in common with all of my female friends. It does kinda make me paranoid to a certain extent that they may end up "jumping ship" so to speak.

And those who think that I'm a flirt. All I can ever really say is that I never intended for anything to look like that. I honestly feel, in my heart of hearts, that by and large, to the 95% degree possible, that I joke around the exact same with both men and women. And that's all I can really say about that.

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I am learning that not everyone really likes me all that much. I'd argue that if the people who don't like me all that much, and have heard bad things about me would just sit down with me directly and talk to me, they might change their mind. But if people don't like me, I'm fine with that. I believe what I want to believe and I act accordingly. And if anyone doesn't think that I'm doing what I want to be doing, then good for them. Because all I can do, is do what I'm doing to the best of my abilities. Like the saying goes, life is TOO short for me to worry about what people are thinking about me at any given time. All I can do is be the person that I want to be.

And that's all I really have to say right now. I'm not perfect. But I don't pretend to think that I am. I'm going to make mistakes. And I'm going to continue, and start, to dealing with those mistakes in a positive, adult manner.

Consider today, D-Day plus 1.

matt out