Every semester, the University of North Texas allows different poster companies to set up shop in the student Union so that students can buy posters to decorate their dorm or apartment walls. I have decided to rip off Bill Maher and to make a list of "New Rules" for anyone thinking of buying a poster.

New Rule Number 1:

You don't have to buy a Bob Marley poster just because you like pot. Bob Marley was about so much more than just smoking a "spliff." It's fine if you don't care about his causes and his political activism, but don't try and boil down one of the great Civil Rights leaders of the 20th Centure into one resin filled pipe.

New Rule Number 2:

Buying yourself a "Scarface" poster will not make you a gangster. As a matter of fact, it won't even make you cool. To expand upon that, it makes you a bit of a joke. Even if a coke snortin' drug dealer was a profession worth looking up to, owning a poster to declare how bad ass you are will not put you into the upper echelon of bad assery. It's like someone declaring themself "cool." If you're cool, then you just are. You don't have to declare yourself that way.

New Rule Number 3:

Under no circumstance whatsoever can you buy the poster for "Abbey Road" if you don't at the very least own the actual album. The same goes for "Sgt. Peppers," "The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan," and "Are You Experienced" by the Jimi Hedrix Experience. It's like owning a condom and not having anyone to screw around with.

New Rule Number 4:

Don't turn your entire wall into a screaming cliche by purchasing the following:

a) "An Idiot's Guide to the Best Pot" poster which shows pictures of the different types of marijuana plants along with their "street name."
b) "An Idiot's Guide to the Best Beer" poster which shows pictures of the different brands of beer along with descriptions about how hung over you'll get.
c) "An Idiot's Guide to Sex" poster which has what appear to be the restroom symbols for man and woman engaging in various different sexual positions. All of this right above the "street names" for said acts, which appear to be a bastardized version of the Kama Sutra.
d) "An Idiot's Guide to College" poster which is a combination of the above three posters, mixed with a little more emphasis on going to school hungover/half baked or after an all-nighter. Throw in a little "cram studying reference" for good measure.

New Rule Number 5:

Guys! You don't have to be an asshole! If on your wall you have a poster of naked or half naked women (and they don't have the Pink Floyd album covers painted artfully onto their backs), then you need to take a moment to self reflect as to why you're such a total douche bag loser.

New Rule Number 6:

Don't do an entire wall of your dorm or apartment in a "movie theme." Different movie posters are alright if there's enough variety of movie from poster to poster. But don't do one entire wall with all the posters from the "Star Wars" or "Lord of the Rings" movies, especially if you hope to meet someone of the opposite sex sometime this or next year.

New Rule Number 7:

If you're white, don't buy a Malcom X poster. Don't turn your wall into a who's who of political figures if you don't really understand what they were all about. Do a little bit of reading or research before you start putting up political figure head posters.

and last but not least

New Rule Number 8:

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, never buy a poster that says "Hang In There" right below a picture of a kitten hanging onto a tree branch by one paw. Or don't buy one of those lapse photography pictures of a nighttime lightning storm over the Arizona desert over a "Stay Laser Focused" inspirational type sayings.

matt out