I recently sent this letter to Sea World SEA-E-OH, Shamu.

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Dear Shamu and underlings,

I saw a commercial of yours earlier today. It was an advertisement for your new summer "Shamu Spectacular." "BELIEVE" I think it's called.

Alright, two things.

First, I didn't even know Sea World was still fucking open. I went to Sea World when I was about 10 years old and I don't think I've thought about it since. Well, that might not be entirely true. Sometime last year, I caught a glimpse of a picture of me, at 10 years old, wearing a Sea World of Texas shirt, and I thought, wow, I hadn't thought of Sea World since I went there. So I was a bit surprised to see that not only is Sea World still around, it's doing well enough to advertise. Or it's doing well enough to advertise in Austin, which is all of about 45 minutes from Sea World.

You can't be doing that well because it's Sea World after all. This is a place where your main attraction is having a giant fucking whale splash you, temporarily relieving that burning feeling that being outside in the San Antonio sun for three and a half hours can cause. The sea otters that bark like dogs and jump through rings are pretty cool too.

Sea World can't be doing well because if you've seen a water based mammal show once, you've seen it a thousand times. And by the time my dad and stepmom had taken me to Sea World, I had already been to places JUST like it on numerous elementary school field trips. Sea World is just a fancy way of saying Wally's Water World in Galveston, only Sea World can afford slightly better tanks to hold the fish, as well as affording slightly better stunt people that ride the nose of the Killer Whale into the wild blue yonder.

Secondly, I suddenly came to the realization that there isn't *one* Shamu, there are *three* Shamus. My girlfriend and I debated this fact for a minute or two and it appears that wikipedia backs me up on this belief. Further proof that Sea World can't be doing that poory, Shamu has it's own wikipedia entry. That Shamu has a wikipedia page proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that wikipedia has information on anything you could ever want or think to find. You should check it out, the people that edit the Shamu wikipedia page even put a Spoiler warning in the article to try to help eager travel goers from finding out what happens at the end of Shamu's show.

So yeah, there are THREE Shamus. I may be wrong on this, but that's kind of a rip off. When you want to see Shamu, you want to see THE Shamu, not some second rate knock off. It'd be like turning on Entertainment Tonight expecting to see John Tesh and instead getting stuck with Mary Hart (has a wikipedia page). It's like paying to see Fat Elvis and getting stuck with a Fat Elvis impersonator. You want the LEGENDARY Shamu. Houdini, not David Blaine.

So which one is THE Shamu? I want authenticity. I don't want "The Son of Shamu" and I certainly don't want the distant cousin of Shamu. No, I want the one, the only, SHAMU: The Killer Whale of the Sea. Quit putting the Sham in Shamu.

I look forward to hearing from you.

From,

Matthew McKibben
(940) sea-ottr

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I got this response in the form of a scroll, covered in blue glitter and tassles that hung like dead fish.

Dear Mr. McKibben,

Bow down, you insolent dog! How dare you question the Almighty Shamu. We are not separate entities, but are indeed one angelic mass. I perform at each of the shows in Orlando, San Antonio, and San DIAGO by transporting my almighty image across space and time. I'm not sure if you have heard, you unloyal fool, that San Diego means "a whale's vagina" in Spanish? Ron Burgundy said so in his documentary. This is a fact. San Diego is named after my mother.

Just be glad that I am in a forgiving mood, or else the seven seas would run red tonight. Do not make the same mistake twice, or else you may end up sleeping with the fishes, if you get my drift.

The Almighty has SPOKEN!

Shamu
1-888-iam-godd