My maternal grandfather meant well, I imagine, but one of the ways he screwed up spectacularly was in making significant loans to friends who failed to pay him back. It was part of the reason my mother grew up poor, and my oldest aunt ended up sacrificing her dreams so that her younger sisters could stay in school. Whenever we talk on the phone, she identifies herself as "Grandma's Aunt" -- the one who stayed home with Grandma all her life -- and that makes me cry.

The consequences of this have rippled through the generations: my mother was frugal to a fault for the rest of her life, and I triple-guess myself before practically any expenditure, no matter how trivial or basic or well-founded. The unspoken and explicitly spoken admonition behind the gifts I've received has been, Don't you dare fuck this up. Too many people gave up too many things for you to squander this.

So when someone tries to take advantage of me or mine? I get viciously, lay-waste-to-the-realm-and-all-surrounding-counties angry, in part because I feel like I've severely fucked up in giving that individual the benefit of the doubt. (The fact that I want to take that approach with most people, including those who don't share my religious or political views, actually makes it worse, because what's to save me from being that stupid again?) There are several ongoing situations where it has been a major act of will for me to stay off the warpath.

Now that Grandfather's haplessness has resurfaced in my memory, my off-the-charts emotional reaction to certain other people's acts of entitlement is making way more sense.
There are a number of situations where I'm okay with being taken for granted (such as friendships of long standing and/or mutually low maintenance). There are other situations where it rubs me the wrong way or outright offends me. I'd like to become the kind of person for whom it easily rolls off my back no matter who or what the cause; I often pretend to be that kind of person, which then sometimes translates as "easygoing" to people who don't know me well.

Ha. Additional traits I've inherited from my family are drive and stamina: my maternal grandmother was a vigorous peasant who kept house well into her old age; my paternal grandmother became one of the most powerful landlords in her village; my parents worked their tails off in their jobs --and my mother in particular had to battle the resentment of co-workers who wanted to get away with slacking off (exacerbated by managers more interested in cosmetic bs than actual results). It is a major reason why she retired early, and why the EKU Library will not get another penny from my family, ever. I adored that place as a child, but you don't treat my mother that way. (I'm wearing the watch she received as a retirement gift, but once the battery dies, I will be at least momentarily tempted to take a hammer to it. Then I'll come to my senses, pass it on to charity, and go back to wearing my grandmother-in-law's watch.)

Did I also mention that my family has a talent for holding grudges? It's not something to be proud of, but it's most definitely there. But in the meantime, it's time to pour myself another glass of tea and get back to the commission I was working on. Something over which I do have some measure of control.