i'm trying to concentrate on the positives, of which there are many, in the midst of the negativity i've been feeling lately. maybe i'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel, but i'm feeling better today, tonight.

i told my bro this morning that he really needs to go. it's been 3 months, and it has to end. it's just time.

i don't think he understood. but i'm sure he'll get my message, if ya get my message.

*heh*

****

i've lost 25 pounds since the gall bladder thing started. not that i'm svelt, and prolly never will be again, but still, it feels good. prolly one of the reasons i feel so much better and more energetic too.

clothing had become an issue as everything i owned in jeans and khakis had become too big and i couldn't find my belt.

i found the belt this morning, and wondered if i had given those too small hiphuggers to the goodwill already? i had not, and not only do they fit, they're actually a bit big!!!

i remember my dr a few years ago (pre-hysterectomy) telling me my weight was perfect, not to gain or lose an ounce. so, rebel that i am i promptly gained 55 lbs!!!!!

i know the vegetarian diet is helping. i don't want to sound like a tree hugger, but anything processed that i eat tastes awful these days. i had a packaged muffin tonight and it tasted...artificial??? since i got sick i've been making all my food from scratch and trying to make the food count nutrition wise. i've discovered many ways to cook tofu, and my little hippie daughter loves it too!!! yay katherine!!!

being broke certainly helps. we haven't bought any crap like potato chips or cookies or any junk in months. my son can eat non stop and stay thin, but the rest of us have a tendency to be "big boned" so i'm hoping the new eating habits will become ingrained into my daughter.

good gawd, i'm actually making smart choices these days.

well, some of them anyway.

maybe there's hope for me after all!!!!!

i know, it's kinda scary!!

****

i shaved my legs and cut my toenails in preparation for the masseuse on saturday. i am SO looking forward to that. i didn't think 'hannah' would appreciate having to wear gardening gloves while rubbing my legs and feet.

besides, i can't afford THAT good a tip for her!

****

my *good friend* shirley at work today told me about how everyone hates her there. she went on alllllll dayyyyyyyyy longgggggggg about it.

the passive/aggressive in me just sort of blew it all off, but the recovering co-dependent that i am wanted to shout "i can understand whyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! now shut the fuck up already and leave me alone"

i retreated to the design room and did some arrangements (thank you barbara for taking pity on me).

shirley definitely has issues.

****

i found something i really really want at the mall last friday.

dansko makes a clog for one particular shoe store that looks like it's covered in green and brown and tan tapestry or brocade. they are beautiful. i've never seen anything like them, and they're supposed to be very comfy for folks like me who stand on their feet all day. the folks i know who own danskos swear they last for years even with everyday wear.

they cost $120.00.

i don't ever want things. the simpler and more functional the better i've always said.

but i really want these shoes. if they had layaway i'd do it in a heartbeat. but they don't and i'm broke, so that's that. still.....i really want them.

really.

really...

i just gotta give it some more thought. i've not given up on them, mind you. i just haven't figured out yet how to get them.

i haven't wanted anything in years. i mean years.

i will have these damn shoes.

****

oh, and there's a ring too i found at the head shop. it's only $21. i think i can swing that. soon. maybe this weekend.

****

i'm going to end by saying that my husband is a comic genius.

no shit.

*heh*