if you're sick of me whining about all my dysfunctional family ills, stop now.

otherwise, don't say i didn't warn you.

****

i am so fucking mad at my little shit of a son.

i love him dearly - i'd give my life for him - but i am running a whole gamut of emotions right now.

yeah, i know i'm doing the right thing. my dad, even my mom tell me so. my friend deborah who is a family therapist told me so tonight.

it's been since sat afternoon that he left. i actually saw him for a bit yesterday. i took him to his storage building to get his cell phone charger and they had put a lock on his building since he couldn't pay the bill. (which also means my bro can't get his couch, and my $1500 bedroom suite is in there too along with my stereo and some other stuff. if the bill doesn't get paid after 30 days, they'll throw all the stuff out or sell it to pay the bill).

then after his nasty remark to me over the phone last night i told myself i wasn't going to call him and i haven't. which leads me to all kinds of thoughts:

where is he sleeping while i'm all cozy in my warm bed?

did he get any food today while i dined out with my friend tonight?

is he laying half dead somewhere after being out on "ninja training" which is what he and his friends do at all hours of the night? (they actually go up on rooftops and jump around and do all sorts of stupid shit)

is he in jail because he got caught trespassing while doing his stupid fucking ninja training? this would be preferable to some of the thoughts i'm having, like...

has he killed himself and no one has yet to find him and/or notify me?

there's another thought i'm having here that i can't even voice. and i know it's awful, but you get into these crazy thought patterns and they just keep coming...my son believes in reincarnation, you know, you keep coming back til ya get it right? which is ok by me. i don't know what the answers are. i don't even know what i believe anymore. but, if he truly is so unhappy with his life here.......well, you get the picture. i can't even go there. it's just too awful to think about.

he says he can't hold a job since he has ADD. well, maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. maybe he's playing me for sympathy because he just wants to be a bum. maybe he's doing too much drinking and too many drugs. i dunno. i told him months ago when he had health insurance to go and get some damn help if that was the case or at least go get put on disability if so.

he says doctors can't help him and counseling doesn't do any damn good.

so WTF??? what is everyone involved in this situation supposed to do???

we've been down the counseling road, he and i. he even entered himself into a mental health facility to get cleaned up when he was 16. he came out a lot better (for a while) than when he went in. and since then it's been get a job, keep it for a few weeks or months, then quit going in. lay around til he's about to be thrown out, then get another job, same old story.

i really thought he was getting his life together when he started college back in september. when he moved back in here is when all the trouble started again. not going to school, not going to work. he'll ride the city bus to go hang with his friends, but apparently it's too much trouble to ride it to school (which he's kicked out of for this semester anyway) or to work.

i helped him buy a car, and sold it after about a year cuz he'd quit another job and couldn't pay his insurance and i couldn't afford it - and wouldn't pay it. it was part of the whole car deal we made.

a few months ago i told him he could use my car if he wanted to get a 2nd or 3rd shift job, then he got 2 speeding tickets in it and quit going to work again, so screw that. i can't afford to insure him and he won't keep a job.

i've worked since i was 13, except when my daughter was born and i stayed home for 4 years. when nigel was little and i was a single mom i worked 2 full time jobs just to pay rent on an apartment where i slept on the floor. it was a one bedroom, and i gave him the bedroom, and i didn't even have a couch to sleep on for months. i've always set a good example as far as work ethic, so i don't understand this thing with him and not working.

that's the only reason he's on the streets tonight. all we asked is that he keep a job, any job.

is it all my fault? i question every little thing i've ever done or not done. i've made a lot of mistakes, i know i have. but were they so huge that i screwed him up this badly??? i've talked to him about all the mistakes i've made. i've confessed, i've asked forgiveness and he told me there was nothing to forgive.

as much as i complain about my mom, i know she did the best she could with what she had to work with. i know her childhood with her dad wasn't easy. he was a mean ass man who never showed any affection. so i don't roll around in self pity whining that my mom screwed up my life. no way, i did that all by myself!!!

anyhow, yeah, i know i'm doing the right thing. but i'm having all those paranoid mom kind of thoughts. i can't sleep, i'm crying uncontrollably, i'm envisioning having to go and identify his body at the morgue and planning his funeral even!!! i've got to get up to go running with my daughter at 5:30 in the morning, and i do not want to get into this depressed non-functional worried mode again. it doesn't do anybody any good.

so do ya see why i'm pissed at the little shit???

does he do this shit on purpose, or is his brain really screwed up???

i don't know, and i can't force him to get help. will he be like the homeless i see all the time in this city? i used to serve breakfast to those guys down at the hope center. is that where i'll be seeing my son? they turn them out every morning by 9 and you can see them walking with their backpacks all over downtown lexington.

i'm on edge, waiting for the phone to ring or a cop to show up at my door, for god only knows what reason.

so while i'm sitting here in this state, is he out doing "ninja training", getting high and drinking and having a laugh on me, or is he really in trouble???

i commented in my previous post that my daughter had been clingy and whiny over the weekend. i had a talk with her tonight. seems she's concerned about my love for her and the fact that maybe she'll get kicked out one day too. so i had to explain all this to her, which she already knew, but she needed some reassurance because of the situation. which has me second guessing my decision. but which also pisses me off even more because my son does not realize or even seem to be concerned about how far-reaching are the implications of his actions.

so is he a selfish, self-absorbed little shit or is he in real trouble??? i don't know. i wish i knew. but even if i knew i doubt i'd be able to do anything about it. ya can't push a rope, ya know?

i thought i'd be fine with this. i really did. and i'm gonna have to come to terms with the situation one way or another.

it helps to vent it all out here. it really does. and believe it or not it helps to have my mom sympathize and agree with me, as nutty as she is. she went thru the same shit with my brother. i'm beginning to understand why she's so fucking crazy. this will definitely throw a wrench into one's life.

thanks again and again and again for listening. really, i can't thank you enough for your good wishes and warm words for me. i think i'm done. for now.

xoxo