i'm wondering what happens to some people...and i'm wondering if it'll ever happen to me.

there are people i know, people i am frighteningly close to, who just never seem to be happy. it seems that they don't find joy in much of anything. it seems that they actually enjoy being miserable, thus making others that are around them miserable too, or at the very least, nervous and apprehensive.

no, i'm not talking about any of you. i'm talking, of course, about my mother. but i'm also thinking of other people that are in my life, people that i see on a regular basis.

i'm just wondering if they look for things to make them happy, or if they really seek out the worst in every situation and are happy being down all the time. i know, kind of a conundrum, ain't it???

i was raised by a woman who was and is that way, altho thankfully i have a father who wasn't and isn't. maybe he's the only thing that saved me. i dunno.

many years ago while going thru some very rough times i made the DECISION that i was going to be happy in spite of what bad choices i'd made or what life was throwing at me in the way of things i really couldn't control. sometimes i have to search, really search, to find joy in the day, but something is always there. so far, i've been spared some awful circumstances that i've seen others go thru, and yet there are many who've been thru so much hell who still CHOOSE to be happy. i know people who've lost children, and yet they still have a joy about them. yes, they mourn and they get down and they're sad at times years afterward and they never really get over that loss, but they've decided to not let it completely steal their joy.

i just can't imagine being down most of the time. i don't understand how people can live that way. sometimes i think if i could show them some joy, some happiness - show them another way - that they'd see it and want to look at things differently and be happy. i've tried, and i continue to try, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. i'm coming to realize that it doesn't matter what i do. i think some people really enjoy being miserable.

i've just been around a few of those folks in the last week or so and it got me to thinking, and after much thinking on the subject, all i can conclude is that i don't understand it still, no matter how many brain cells i waste on it.

so i think i'm just gonna go on my merry way and not worry about it. i know that our happiness is something we choose, and something that comes from inside us somewhere, and i can't make anyone be happy any more than i can control the weather. i just feel sorry for them, ya know?

i don't mean to sound like a pollyanna or self-righteous. i get down too, but i always know that things are gonna be ok.

i wonder why some people are so damn mean, but when i really think about it, i understand some of the reasons. but choosing to be unhappy all the time? that i don't understand at all. maybe i need more therapy to get that explanation. any of you armchair shrinks have any theories on this one? really, it's one of the great mysteries to me.

but i can still hope that all my friends and loved ones can find their inner peace somewhere.

xoxo