Not sure what to write. I am definately stewing about something, but I'm not completely sure if that is a bad thing. Ideas are coming easier as I set myself up in a procrastination purpetual motion rut. (This is when you always avoid *something* but in the process get other things done.)

I seem to be flitting around between ideas, portfolio-speaking. First I'm over with my mailer, then I'm working on my logo. Back over to the website. All of this on the bus, while making breakfast, etc. I'm not sure I should be too concerned about settling down on anything yet -- get the words out as it were. Then sort.

I would say I have about 2 more weeks of this silliness and then I will need to start the actual construction of the boards. woot. God. I hate 3-d building.

The main thing I'm waffling on is the MA application. Specifically:

Do I really want to get a masters now?

Well, the answer to that can really be attacked from all directions. And I have. In my oh so not organized way. I seem to be avoiding the question actually. I get half way through a though and veer off on another direction. So, lets make a sentence diagram:

DO I: Subject and action verb. Present imperfect. Me. Not said mentor, not my mom, not my father-in-law, not my hubby, but what do I want? I want to learn the software, by any means necessary. I can't afford to buy it, so it is going to have to come through a school or lab. I want to become a competent designer in all medias. I will take as long as I need to.

REALLY: Emphasis. The kind of question you ask when you want the answer to be no. Why do I want the answer to be no? I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm all these excuses. Mainly I'm worried that I will over educate myself out of job, while at the same time struggling with a degree of study that is not my strongest suit. In short, I will fail.

WANT: Helper verb, compound verb. vs. need: can I get by without it? can I afford to not get it? This would be the place I would be putting the warm fuzzies, but I don't have any about this. This, I think is the most upsetting of all of this sentence. I do remember being driven to get the associates. I have no such experience with this masters. No gut means no go.

TO GET A MASTERS: Prepositional phrase which is the object of the sentence. Vs. a second BA, a second Associates, a life, a job, a career, etc. How important is it that it be a higher degree? The fact is, its not important. If I could just get my foot in the door in web designing, or graphics for web publication, I would feel I was speaking with more authority. Then I could decide if this is really the right move for me. Why was I going to get an additional degree anyway? Oh, yeah. Because the job market sucks at the moment.

NOW: Shows time. Right now? You can't wait until winter? Or Fall next year? What is your rush? I'm afraid I will loose my nerve mainly. NEVER a good reason to do something. I also feel that I'm knee-jerk reacting to the prof I talked to on monday -- in that I was given a deadline and now I *must* finish it. Stupid J.

Anyway - If I'm not going to do it, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The idea of being out of work looming on the horizon at the end of summer is making my panic a bit. Its worse than getting a degree I don't want with money I don't have.

Foo.

I think I let myself out of the bag.

;>