1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays
outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for
very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short
visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis,
provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a
rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and
is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along
with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go
wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the
new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it
looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole
works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most
definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not
allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with
his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers
with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to
leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in
bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the
TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as
"primary resident," even if it's true.