I did it again, and I'm mad at myself. (Lest you worry that this is something serious or durable, it's not. Just gotta get it off my chest.)

There was a situation at work this fall, and I offered my time to fill a need. Temporarily. Well, the need was in an area where I knew only a little, and as they say, that's a dangerous thing. Nonetheless, I did my best and kept the system limping along where otherwise it would have fallen completely by the wayside. Not tooting my horn; the process needed support and I was the one who offered. Others could have done what I did.

Now that we're winding down, and the situation is in the hands of others, I'm dealing with backlash. There are those who are not happy with the way I did the extra work (my bosses are cool, so no worries there), and others who I didn't support well in my primary job because I was distracted by job #2.

Hey, number two. Yeah, it felt like number two. A steaming pile of number two.

So today I found myself in the local nexus of social interaction, the grocery store. One of the people who has clearly lost patience with me was cordial, but cool to me. And here's the thing that makes me angry with myself: when they asked me how I was doing, I said something like, "working out of some stuff, thanks for being patient while I did that."

Why the fuck am I apologizing? Because I was the personification of a messed-up system that hasn't worked fully in years? For someone who doesn't know how it's been in the past, this all must look like I am woefully incompetent. And there I was, apologizing NOT because I think I did anything wrong, but because I felt anxious that the other person was displeased with me.

Maybe I thought I could somehow flip a switch and make the person happy with me again, go back to the easy conversations we'd had before. Not so.

Then I thought, maybe if I just let some time pass, they will come around to seeing how I'm really okay. I call shenanigans on that thinking, because I am already okay. I wasn't negligent, malicious, or stupid; just muddling through. And I don't feel that constitutes an affront worthy of cold, often patronizing conversation.

The other reason I'm pissed at myself is for volunteering for this extra thing in the first place. I've told myself time and time again not to do it, but I need the approval apparently. My last evaluation at work, while absolutely satisfactory, noted that I needed to be teaching more and problem-solving less, the exact opposite of my principal's wish for nearly every other teacher in my building.

I am going to be fine in a day or two about this. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I just sometimes feel like I do. And it is at those times that I just need to shut up and go work out or something. Or ride my bike. Yeah, that's the ticket.