Sometimes something happens or you are a witness to something that changes the way you see life and death. I’ve been a medic for a long, long time and I have seen many horrific things. Maybe it’s my own mortality, the curse of growing older and seeing someone not so much older than me suffering from a debilitating disease, one that could have probably been avoided if she had simply taken care of herself. I have been on a self destructive course for most, hell, all of my life. Growing up feeling abandoned and betrayed and abused by my father and stepfather has taken a toll on my psyche. I was raised and nurtured by strong women, my Mother, Aunt and Grandmother. The loss of my grandmother and aunt were hard for me. I felt like two of the only three people in my life who loved me were gone. I know my kids love me, but the kids were not the ones who nurtured me, not like these special women. I have felt alone for a long time. I have felt unworthy of love for a long time. I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough, except for when granny and bobby were there for me. I was good enough for them to love. Now before my mom reads this and gets all upset, thinking I think she doesn’t love and support me, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. This isn’t about you mom, you have been a good mom. This is about my perception of my world. Right or wrong, it’s mine. The reason I think I have been on this self destructive path for so long is because I believe in my heart of hearts losing me would be no great loss to anyone other than my mom and kids. That should be enough. Why do I think my death would not matter? Well I have spent the past two days challenging my current belief system. It took seeing a woman I knew from 7-11 suffering from a heart attack and stroke that left her left side paralyzed and lungs full of fluid. I listened to her plead for me to help her breathe and looked into her desperate pleading eyes. I looked into the eyes of her son and saw the pain in his heart as he stroked her arm and tried to comfort her.
I began to challenge my belief that I didn’t matter shortly after that. I have high blood pressure, (stroke risk), high cholesterol (heart attack risk) high triglycerides (heart attack and diabetes risk). I’m clinically considered obese, I smoke way too much, in fact any smoking is too much. I have to interrupt my writing to put out yet another cigarette. I do not exercise. I sleep. I sleep all the time. I have a high stress job, a daughter that is going to need major help for the next few years, a husband that demands my undivided attention and tries to control even the smallest detail in my life, from how to plan a flower bed to what I can hang on the walls. If I do something with out consulting him first, then I’m accused of not caring what he thinks. I’m over stressed, over controlled, overwhelmed and over it all! I pretty much do what I want around the house anyway, I do care how he feels but I need the freedom to be me. And by God, if he can’t give me that, then I’ll take it. I’ll deal with him somehow or not. The way I look at it is, they are his control issues he can deal with it or not. Anyway back to my life. I can’t say I have turned around 100%, but I have started to try and take care of myself. I did get my teeth fixed, it’s been a year of pain and a lot of expense, but I am happy with the final result. I found a doctor that is willing to take on a new patient and plan on getting a complete physical. I made an appointment with an OB/GYN for another physical. I’m going to make an honest effort to stop smoking. I have so many changes to make, I guess the biggest one is to just keep trying and not give into the poor me syndrome.
That’s my perspective and my plan and I’m sticking to it.