Oh my God, I have died and gone to addict hell. I made the decision to stop smoking. I chose last night as the date, because I would have two days off of work. It’s now 7:41 am, my last cigarette was 11:30 pm last night. Less than 8 hours and I’m already telling myself that It’s okay to go to the store and buy more because I don’t have any support. A few weeks ago I saw a smoking cessation program at the hospital and thought about attending, but never did. So this morning, I fussed at John for not being supportive, all the while thinking, I’ll go get some cigarettes and check into the program at the hospital so at least I’ll have support.
Poor me. Jeez…. But, I do have a plan, sorta…. It would be nice to have a cigarette while I’m planning, but no, I’m not going to do it. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t…….but maybe?? Just one.

I smoked my first cigarette when I was 13, it was a Marlboro. Of course I didn’t smoke many, not having money to buy them and always being around adults. Everyone I knew smoked Kools, so I stole a carton of Kools from the grocery store when I was 16 and smoked them. They made me sick, gave me a horrible headache and nausea, but I was determined to smoke. I eventually got over the sick and have smoked menthol cigarettes ever since. I’m 46, I have smoked for, oh my God! 30 years, more than half of my life. I have stopped before, once for almost a year, but I gained weight and thought if I smoked again, it would help me lose weight, so I started again, I didn’t lose any weight, but I was hooked again. I quit when I was pregnant with Jodi, only because it made me sick. I started again when I was about 8 months, I remember I was working at a restaurant and there was a cigarette machine, I used some of my tips to buy a pack of Bel-Air. They tasted nasty, but I pushed through it, again I was determined to smoke. I tried to quit a couple of years ago, I quit for 5 weeks, but I didn’t actually quit. I still smoked one or two every now and then. That time I felt like I was being made to quit, John was sick and had stopped smoking and was giving me such a hard time about the smell of my smoking. That attempt was unsuccessful because I felt pressured into doing something, so I rebelled.
Even now, my brain is trying to tell me reason’s I should smoke, I am taking the time to examine the validly of this self talk, so far I have been able to correct my rationalizations.

I’m taking it one minute at a time, soon, one hour at a time, then one day at a time.