So - this is my basic problem with theology.

A bearded man gestures wildly at you, though you hear no sound. You realize there is a span of glass between you. He is obviously trying to tell you something. What is he saying?
You in turn gesture to him that you don't understand. He continues to wave his arms. This is very important!
Finally you are resign that you can't hear him, and he is speaking some other kind of language you don't know. You also realize either he is in a box or you are in a box - but no matter - neither of you can come out.
You close your eyes and hear nothing.

This thought was very upsetting to me last night. Though I think alot of the dramatics were due to overtiredness and low blood sugar. (One step closer to being diabetic) I'm also about at the top of my arch for emotional hystarics, biologically speaking. So - this should all be taken with a grain of salt.

As the evening wore on - somehow I got on the topic of youth groups. In comparison to the 2 strong theologians in the room, my experience was paultry. So - its not that they had better than I, but more - I've never found materials or speakers (with a few exceptions) in all these years of being a "budding christian" that helped. They have ranged from cute to attrochous, but they never spoke to my current situation, answer any of my questions, they don't help to resolve any issues that happen to be going in my life, nothing helpful. C.S. Lewis helps - but he is too big to hold on the cheatsheet of morality that gets you though life.

The last time I attempted to get an answer from a priest it was about tarot cards. I was told they were wrong, because it was wrong to perdict the future. Alright, fine - he defended his position fairly-well for a youth event, but I was given no alternative behavior. There was no tie in with a bigger picture. Why is my salvation based on whether I read tarot cards or not? Is it safe for me to use colgate toothpaste or will that seal my damnation? That sort of thing. I was given an answer but not a direction.

So - here we are. I'm surrounded by people who debate the finer points of the word logos while I'm struggling to justify why I even believe in some of this malarky. I believe in god, but damned if I know how to communicate with him. Or more fair - what he wants me to do. One way radio.

There is plenty to read - there are few avenues to discuss in. And I will not talk to my priest. It is perfectly clear to me that while ar. means well, he can not advise me spiritually, nor does he want to.

So - the back side of this coin - I have no time. I don't have time to try and sift through the drek that constitutes most christian books out there, I have tried to read the bible, (might take this up again since there isn't anything else), I don't have 2 hours to feel good about my spirituality at alpha, and all the bible studies I know meet the same night I have class. Oh - and I can't talk to my priest. How exactly am I suppose to let this guy/myself out of the box?

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(10 minutes later)
1 glass of apple juice
5 klenixes
1 vitamin
4 handfuls of water applied to face.

I think I need 1 more cup of coffee and I will be able to go into work without looking like there was domestic violence for easter. Sometimes I just get like this. How true is the above? *Mostly* true. At the core though, there is still a problem that needs to be addressed.