the methods and means of procrastination

the evening of a winter afternoon
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Context: home
Sounds/Songs: civ III
Book: The Phoenix Guards
Film: From Hell / The Gift
What I need right now is...more weekend.
We have had a quiet day today. Slow and snowy for a sunday. The snow has just stopped recently. I don't think I'm off to do errands though. I think we have enough in the house for dinner and I can live without pressure rods for the new curtians until tomorrow. The curtins are translucent ecru panels. Cheap and good for drafts. Pothos has been about 5 degrees warmer since I put one up in the window above his bowl. I grew up with very similiar ones, and though they remind me of the grinding bordem of northwest florida in the summer of 1993, I find them more conforting that being on display for our neighbors. I sort of hate to admit that.

Spent the night seeing Two Towers (finally) then off to a sushi bar with friends. Probably sat around talking too late, but it is kind of cool that that keeps happening. No cards this time, just civ iii and archeology.

The flick was pretty good, and golem was the bomb. As guru said, it was nice to see that they nailed a couple of things right on. The sushi was alright. It wasn't so fishy that I couldn't stand it-- actually the right blend of non-discript stuff that I might eventually develop a taste for it. Like artichoke hearts on pizza.

Haven't done much today. Watched a couple of movies from the netflix queue. The Gift was actually *a lot* better then I thought it would be. From Hell was ok (I felt it dragged in the middle) but I believe it was the first performance by johnny depp that didn't make me hate him. It was like I wasn't watching johnny depp, I was watching a character. That has never happened before. Maybe there are other performances out there that I've missed...

So I did send in a email of resignation to my sys admin job. I just can't handle the steepness of the learning curve. Tomorrow will probably be very interesting...but I think it is for the best. One hour of unpleasant awkwardness is worth being free of this self-hate? Lack of perfection? Mediocrity? *shrug* I have too much anxiety and apathy about this business to continue. I wish them well.

Speaking of anxiety, I seem to have developed a new anxiety attack. At points in my life I've had psychosymatic anxiety attacks due to stress. The last one was during my senior year and was related to suffication when eating. It was awful. It was awful I let it go one so long without getting help. This one I don't intend to ignore. I know what is happening now when it takes me and what to do about it. I always hate being out of control of my body. In myers-briggs speak, this is my "sensing" (or my inferior trait) bleeding through into how I percieve the world. But I'm doing it very badly or heavy-handedly so that I become panicked about my experience. I'm not sure of the larger problem -- though I know it has something to do with public places, speaking with people. My theory is that I need to shut down some times and "I" for a bit between public arenas. Maybe its due to all the running around I do for jobs these days. Maybe its something else.

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