the methods and means of procrastination

something else to look at.
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Sounds/Songs:When the money keeps rolling in
Book: n/a
Film: THE LAST I, Claudius disk (yay!)
Line: "Ah, but that's not the point, my friends." - Che

Ack. So - I'm beginning to really believe that I need a new computer. A big shiny one. One with a working zip drive, for instance. How, you ask, will this help you get a job? Does it matter? The problem of course is that I don't have any cash, but I think I'm just going to have to face the fact, that I'm never going to be able to justify buying a new one for any other reason then I'm greedy. A lot of it now has to do with my fustration with being able to work on flat mac 17" screens at work and then coming home to a half-assed refurb os 9 box that has seen better days. We keep telling ourselves it is on its last leg. You can faintly hear it saying "I don't want to go on the cart." *sigh*

So now I save. Later I buy.

I've started this entry about 8 times now,(over the last few weeks) but I always grind to a halt. I'm angsting about getting a job (I'm trying to get a job, btw.) and I'm kevetching about money (we have enough to eat, don't know what the problem is.) Left a bunch of things up in the air - pysanky, spiritual direction, webwork, raquetball, japanese, and now I seem to be in a cycle of opening up cans of worms, then walking away from them. Not sure if this means I'm looking for something or trying to find something else to look at.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm having trouble convincing myself that its ok to rock the boat. What if I don't like the graphic design job I get? What kind of a hell will I be consigned to? This is my own personal brand of paranoia - that the only job that will be left out there (or just out there to begin with) will be the design equivalant of my pa fashion days. So why should I leave my stable, albeit nutty, intern position? Just because its temporary, I mean thats 1 or 2 months away. And its not like they haven't moved the bar before...

But in the end, I think there is reason in starting somewhere when you haven't been the lackey in residence for the last year. It's also the right time to branch out and try other design. (I've been doing a lot of corp id, maybe its time to try ads. or brochures.) Broaden my experience, try and get "graphic designer" behind my name. I know this. It's just hard sometimes to remember it.

What am I doing? I'm starting to redesign the website, and then stopping. I'm thinking about finishing my application, and then wander away. I debate about following up on some of the leads I've gotten, but then put it off. I'm steadfast in asking for advice, and then I seem to forget that I don't have that person's email. It's like the fucking circus.

Eventually I will get through it - this fear of change - but I will drive myself nuts before I'm done. It must be time to go shopping.

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