In a perfect world, things would happen like this:

There would be a business practice purity test.

So business. I've had my brush with it in the past. I've worked for people. I've worked with people. I've had offices close underneath me. I've had them relocate to a different city. I've fallen from one job to the next, chasing the next opportunity. I have taken a stupid job while marking time for something better. I have not sweated the small stuff. I have enjoyed the moment. I have followed my gut.

I'm not getting that happy gut feeling about striking out on my own. Is this just nerves? Am I picking up on some vibe? I keep getting the impression that I'm going to get stuck holding the bag. I'm looking at increasing my current debt by a third...

Ok back up. So I am faced with this decision:

I've already accepted work as an independent contract and am about to submit my first "invoice" for work completed in the next few days. So I've effectively already started my own business. But the question is to what degree.

Am I doing this on the side?
Is this my prime focus?

That is what I'm having a hard time grappling with.

If I'm doing this on the side, I should probably slash my spending estimate in say, half and just get what I need to complete the job. I should get a smaller, cheaper computer and I should live without tools like pantone chips and a decent printer.

If this is my main focus, then I need to get these tools forthwith because I'm dying here. I can not face another project like the last one wihout tools. This has been like flying a jet airplane without hands. It would be easier to etch this thing out of stone the way it has been going. I am not on the fence about that.

But always, always, I want to design. That is the only outcome that I want from this whole farce.

If I were to follow my gut, I would wait and see.
But I can't do that.
So I evade. *serpentine*

I recently glanced at the job boards to see if any of the local design houses and ad agencies were looking. They are never looking. You approach them. They are usually flooded with individuals. At times I do wresle with the lack of affirmation from any peers, but not too often since it is unproductive. In short, a rabbit hole. At times I'm also paranoid that I won't be able to find enough business since I've been moderately antisocial with the local design community; meaning that I'm shooting myself in the foot since design is fundimentally about who you know. Throw into the mix the feeling that guru and I are once again feeling that undertow of change. So we are back to the same old stupid question, commit/don't commit. Stay or go. But I take this sort of thing as just background noise. This has nothing to do with the problem at hand.

I am hopeful that the way will become apparent.

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In other news: From the PNC Cash Flow Advice page:

Try at all costs to avoid tangling with the IRS since it of all creditors can take drastic steps like freezing your bank accounts and seizing your assets.

They have a +20 bastard sword and chip on their shoulder.