People say the best way to get out of a relationship is to be in another one.

I didn't believe it. Perhaps till today, I don't either. I figured that if I am still in love with that previous girl, it isn't fair to tell the new one I love her. And besides, that was what gave me my fame anyway; switching from one to another. You know, the weirdest thing of all is that, there are so many nice people appearing in and out of my life, but somehow, I find them fleeting and moving on fast. I am tired, damn it. I have ran the life of fitting in social circles so hard, that perhaps I should just stop trying. Loving someone is part of fitting in social circles. To love someone enough and to be able to let her love you back, requires some form of social acceptance and compromise such that the society doesn't appear as a negative externality to your relationship.

But whatever. To be absolutely honest (honest), there are girls, during this period of time when I'm sobering up from the break up, that really attract me. That perhaps, I like enough to date. But somehow I just can't. Just because someone stops loving you doesn't mean you have to stop. Or perhaps, it does, but it doesn't mean you CAN stop. Maybe she's moved on, and I'm still stuck in this lala land of mine, hoping aimlessly and foolishly that someday, something will happen and I will feel good enough for her and that she will fall back in love again. But something tells me this ain't happening, at least not in the near future, or perhaps even never. And that's precisely what makes it worse. To love someone so much, that her not loving you back, her angst for you loving her scars so deeply.

I've been trying to get over her these past months; softball, schoolwork, piano and friends. However, everytime I get frustrated and all, she's the one I turn back to, for shelter and for comfort. I know that's absolutely stupid and backbone-less, and that's probably what turns her off too. I should kick that habit, it'll work both ways I think; it'd either help me stop loving, or it'll make her start loving. There are really only 2 ways to go about doing this, get over her or make her love me. Everyone seems to think that the former is the easier one, guess what, its not. This foolish me should just stop hoping, perhaps then it wouldn't hurt. Right.

Dilemma

Think left, think right.
Move left, then move right.
Which is right?

Think it, do it.
Think it, then do it.
Still wrong.

Trapped, untrapped.
Trap it, then untrap.
Still trap.

Hurt me, don't hurt me.
Try hard not to hurt me.
Still hurts.

Resolute, not.
Trying to be but end up not.
Unresolved.

I am resolved. Right. If you do read this, trust me, I'm trying. I feel trapped but I shall break free.