I decided I needed a break after the depressing post posted some half an hour ago or so. I went blog surfing, and here's something from Chan's blog:

i learnt one thing from goh yong han.
no one knows how you feel, rightfully most people don’t really care, the world doesnt care
all they care about is seeing the results.
only then will they know how good you are.
before that, they will never know how much you go through, they will never know the pain and hardship, they will never know because they were not there to see you through the tasks that only you yourself could do.
and because of this, you’ve just have one person to prove anything to
and that’s yourself
because the world at large only cares about results
save for the few friends who ride it out with you.
but otherwise
prove it to yourself first
then you won’t care what the world thinks
cause you know you’re a champion anyway.

I could say the same thing for softball, really. Its god damn demoralising to look at it and see its meaning fading out of my life. My competitive nature made me feel awkward, out of place, amongst my teammates who have been all along so good, or at least so good when they have entered this stage of softball. I know I have to rough it out, because without trying, no shit result is gonna appear and no one will ever consider me as successful. But when the odds are against you, when the odds pit themselves against you and what you do, do you still try? Because what you guarantee yourself from hardwork is pain, not success. But does that mean I should stop trying?

Its the same from studying. I must say that 07A11 is not exactly the most undesirable, nor is it the most desirable class to be in. The overall atmosphere in class is just pressurising and there's really no escaping it. That aside, maybe its just me, but I feel my standards slipping. I feel like there are so much expectations pinned on me, great expectations, but I am gonna disappoint them; just as how London's facade was to Pip and the notion of expecting to be a gentleman.

Sometimes I wished I wasn't a scholar, then I could find myself a whole load of excuse for underperforming. But I know that even if I wasn't, I wouldn't allow myself to use such excuses either. The greatest fear is not to disappoint yourself really, because when you do, you can always find a new goal and start anew. The toughest is to disappoint those around you. Because they are so blinded by your achievements that you can, firstly, never tell if they are disappointed unless its obvious, and secondly, never know if you've gained back their confidence or not. The experience is extremely excruciating.

Softball. Studies. Its ironic how I would place so much focus on this 2 and mess them up the most. People tell me to relax, to chill. But honestly, can I? Sometimes, we just have to look at things from other's paradigms. And try our best to understand and emphatise. Because you can never FULLY understand it unless you go through the exact same pain as them.

Shit depressing 30 mins before my birthday. Wth. All that thrash about finding meaning in birthdays.