I'm thankful for my family.

I'm thankful for my job.

I'm thankful for my friends.

I'm thankful for being comfortable.

I'm thankful for being valued.

---


Ugh. Okay, they all sound rote and flat. I don't feel quite as thankful as I think I ought. I'm sure some of it stems from not being sure there is someone out there to feel thankful toward, but that's only part of it.

I know I have it good in many areas. I know compared to much of the world, I have it beyond good, beyond great, beyond imagination. I know all this, but I don't feel it.

I just feel tired and lonely and flat. I feel that I am relied upon for what those around me know I can do, but I don't feel that the things I try so hard to do really work out.

This is not a guilt trip. If you feel this is, then do the one and only correct response to someone trying to guilt trip you and stop reading. Anyone trying to waste your time and taint your friendship needs a time-out, at the very least.

This is me trying to break through a wall. This journal, like all others in my 'territory' is part of me, but not all of me is ever shown. Most of the time, I try to show the best. I'm not lying - these are not stolen words, those are not stolen thoughts. My words here do reflect who I am, how I think.

They're just not the whole of me. I'm a petty person, a scared person. I'm not always as calm and reasoned. I wish I were as erudite and lyrical. Heck, sometimes I just want to be as organized as a blog makes me seem.

There's something known as 'Seasonal Affected Disorder.' It's depression that comes with winter. Some say the cold does it, others think the shortened days. Still others think it hogwash. I don't know, all I know is

I haz it.

It doesn't affect me in a typical depression. (I'm mildly bipolar, so I can recognize typical depression.) I'm jumpier, more nervous. I see more boogeymen and hear more whispered doubts.

Yes, all of that is in my imagination, but try telling it to my imagination.

What's the point of this post? I don't know. It's not something I want to be remembered for. It's not part of the 'public me' I want to project. But it's real, and it is part of me.

Welcome to me.