We have a pest problem in our new office. The pest: a bum.

It all started when we were above Urban Wildlife downtown. The bar had a construction crew remodeling the place. Except the bar owners stopped paying them so they stopped working. One day this bum came up stairs and acted like he was one of the construction guys. He came up asking where they went because they weren't down there and he needed to be paid. We didn't know. Then he asked to use our bathroom. Then he asked one of the guys if he could bum a cig. (ha ha, bum) He smelled really bad. Fucking bums.

A couple months later when we were packing up to move, Bum was sleeping in our entry alcove. You could smell him from up stairs. One of my coworkers went down stairs, woke him up and said "Hey! You can't sleep here!" and he left. The next morning, though, he was still there. I arrived to work with a warning that I'd have to step over him to get up to the office. I've never been so scared to walk into a building. But he was gone when I got there. Turns out he came back when we all left and spent the night. We called the cops on him, but they came too late.

Our new office is on the ground floor, with easy visible access to the sidewalk/nosey people who press their faces against our front windows to look inside. Bum came by weekly when there was work going on to beg for a job. He didn't want handouts, he wanted to work. (well, of course he wanted handouts, but he asked for work.) He explained that the shelter he stays at requires proof of work to stay there. We turned him away EVERY time.

Until my boss foolishly gave him money one day. Now he WON'T GO AWAY! He came back trying to sell us a bike he "found". $20! What a steal! He shows up weekly still asking for work. I thought my boss was going to attack him the last time. Then I found out about the money and decided it was my boss's problem now. He just showed up again.

See, bums are like pigeons. You aren't supposed to feed pigeons because they will remember and they will come back. We've fed our bum-pigeon and he comes back. Fucking bums.

Maybe they are like squirrels. The only way to get rid of them is to trap them and drive them so far away they can't find their way back. Except you can't do that to a bum. I think it's called kidnapping then. Or bumnapping.

Fucking bums.

Update: Bum came back and asked for a coworker by name. Coworker gave the bum change for the bus ride to his "new job". He says he got a job paying $12/hr making appointments at a mortgage company. Bullshit! Mortgage companies don't hire smelly, poorly dressed bums. I'm sorry. That's reality, though.

Now he's never going to leave us alone. He can get money from 2 people here. Fucking bums.