The only thing I learned in summer gym back in 1996 is what the word "Golf" stood for. Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden. I also watched sports bloopers and the movie Rudy.

I'm on a committee for a charitable golf tournament. I know nothing about golf, but like to feel like I'm helping a worthy cause. We had our 2nd annual tournament today. The weather was perfect, the course was perfect, and all the golfers got drunk and bought so many raffle tickets it blew the profit we made last year out of the water! Of the 124 golfers, there were less than 10 women. That's fine. It's a male dominated sport. We have ribbon dancing.

I was the tournament photographer (among other things). While the golfing went on I stayed at the first hole and took a picture of all the foursomes as they came by. I had them stand behind a banner so the name of the tournament was in all of their pictures. We do this so next year when tournament time rolls around, we can send every person who participated a post card with their foursome's picture on it. It adds a personal touch and separates this tournament from the other 100s of charitable golf tournaments out there. Or so they say...

Last year I didn't notice as much, but this year the golfers' banter was interesting. I was bombarded with not-funny, self-depreciating, typical old guy humor. It was amazing. In every group of four, there was at least one guy who yelled, after I asked "Hey guys, can I take a group picture?", "No!"

When I told them where to stand: "Good! This sign will hide my belly so I won't have to suck it in!" Other popular comments were "Are you sure you want to break your camera taking my picture?" or "You're camera won't work after you take this guy's picture." or "Can I get a glossy 8x10 of that mailed to my house?"

Also, in every other foursome, a guy ducked behind the banner and peeked over at me Killroy style.

In the few groups with girls, the comments went more like this "You should just take their [the ladies] picture. We're too ugly to be photographed with them."

I wish I was exaggerating, but literally in all of the 31 foursomes, something was said that another foursome had said before them. EVERY time. And it's not like these guys were waiting around watching the other golfers. For the most part the foursomes didn't interact with each other on the course. They really all thought they were being funny AND original. It was such a strange social observation on how many guys make the same wise crack at the same situation.

I guess there was only one guy who was original, but I'm not giving him props. He was in one of the last groups and he tried to grab my ass. Now, maybe I'm exaggerating here so you can be the judge: I told him where to go as he walked up to me. The banner was behind him. Instead of walking directly there, he walked around me and put his hand on my hip as he walked by. My lower hip. Low enough to make me want to elbow jab him in his fat beer belly and tell him to fuck off. But I didn't. I'm sure he donated a lot of money and I didn't want to make a scene. But still. He was an asshole.

And the beer bellied golfers ate all the pasta primavera at the banquet! I picked that as a buffet choice and I didn't get any! I was forced to eat bland pork. Sad!