There is nothing more comforting than friends who allow you to be yourself. Who accept you carte blanche (I'm probably using that wrong, but you know what I mean). There are too many occassions and situations in life when we are forced to put on an act. Work, school, even sometimes with family. Your friends should be the last people that you feel forced to don a mask for.

What is even more disturbing is when you feel you must behave in this way with someone whom you previously had a wonderful relationship with. It's odd to feel that shift from comfortable to uncomfortable and not know exactly what occurred to cause it.

In my case, I can pinpoint an exact time when this relationship changed. When it something crucial happened that altered the original course. What I'm not sure about however is whether or not that is actually what is making things difficult for us. Had those events not taken place, would things be fine or would we have ended up here eventually anyway?

I guess in some ways the cause is irrelevant - but it bothers me. Because I want to know if it could have been avoided or not. Of course even as I sit here thinking about it, I know that it wouldn't change things if I knew. If someone came up to me and said, "Your relationship would be fantastic right now if X hadn't happened." Well that's just great, but I can't go back and undo it, so I suppose....mabye it doesn't matter. Except for the fact that if it should ever be something that we are asked to deal with in the future - would it effect my decision to do it again? Maybe, maybe not.

The killer is that if given the choice, I'm not sure which aspect of the relationship I would opt to salvage. And I couldn't feel more guilty about that. Always friendship first, right? Yeah....I know. And the god's honest truth is while I highly value our friendship, and it is important to me...the other thing we have is something that I don't have with any of my other friends, or with anyone else AT ALL for that matter.

You so what I'm saying here? And could I BE any more shallow and selfish? Is it even possible? I hate myself for even thinking this.

Wicked Game ~ Giant Drag *yes it's a cover of the Chris Isaak song