So...hello...

Taking a moment to breathe. This day has gone by really fast. It is already 6:11pm and outside the sky is already dark and the wind is howling though the sunset was the beautiful today. The lake looked like the ocean the way the waves were crashing down.

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I went home for the afternoon to have a meeting about my physical disabilities with a woman who is going to try and help me and recommend resources to me and just be a support. I am coming to terms to the degree to which my physical disability is affecting my life. It is partly that I finally have the words to express what is wrong, that I also have a proper scale of comparison...such as that I actually mean it when I pull myself up the stairs, that I using my upper body strength, that I need that hand railing. I need to at least half concentrate when I walk and sometimes it does feel like I am moving through water. Pain in my joints in such a regular thing that I think I tend to just ignore it unless it is stronger and more daily, which it has been. It is like a grinding sensation between the jaws of a hyena, a pressure such as when someone strongly grabs your wrist. I cannot place it on the scale of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life when it has become a daily thing and in a way one becomes numb to it. There are also different kinds of pain such as when your burn yourself, when you are cut, when you are bruised, when you are rubbed raw, etc and to me they are each separate pain scales in themselves. I cannot really compare the degree of one to the other when they are a triggering different reactions of pain and healing. Maybe that is just me.
For me naming pain is similar to that of recognizing emotion. Most times there is a response to it but it make take me a while to recognize or name that response. It is taken me similarly long to recognize the pains of my body everyday and realize there are things I can and should do about them.
(Author note: This was a tangent added after the rest of this entry section was written.)

I need to go back in for physical evaluations and confront it now while I still can, before it gets too bad.

Despite the fact that I look youthful I have some of the same physical challenges of someone in their fifties. Sometimes I am old in both mind and body.
I am having to start factoring in the possibility that I may need a wheel chair eventually and that it is not something that I can avoid. It is hitting me more than ever that this a progression. It works backwards with Autism which can be recessive and is prominent in childhood but then can essentially be trained and maintained so that one is functional and in my case only seems to have personality quirks.

With a physical disability there is more the need to be upfront about telling what does not appear to be. There needs to be a consciousness when it starts to affect me more.

No matter how strong my muscles are it will still affect me. It is in my connective tissues. Connective tissues are the rubber bands and my rubber bands are stretched out. That is the way I explain it. I am not flexible cool except that I can do the whole touching thumb to inner wrist thing and that when I am relaxed you can totally pull my whole knee apart and whenever I roll my shoulders they pop out of place and back in and I can pop my jaw in and out of place. But most of that isn't cool...it's just gross and kind of annoying.

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Anyhoo....I just got way sidetracked.

I feel strongly feminist lately....like I want to cut my hair of or something. But I want to cut my hair off anyway. I have too much of it. I have this fantasy of just chopping my ponytail and sending it in the mail to Ben.
But I will not do this. It is a fantasy. But I do want to dye my hair back blonder with some red tones in it, so strawberry blonde. Right now it is just blah. Then I will contemplate the haircut. It just feels like too much and that chopping it sounds good in the name of function and feminism. I realize I started growing it to be a symbol of my femininity but now it just getting to be a pain in the ass and I wish someone that actually loved playing with their hair had been born with mine.

I also feel strongly feminist due to my history class. Abortion has come up in conversation lately and I am strongly pro-choice. Leave my reproductive rights to me. I don't tell you to not have babies, you don't tell me I have to have one. George Carlin says it best. I am damn proud serial killer.
Also, what the hell is with this whole homo sapien genomes have human rights crap that Oklahoma and North Dakota want to pass? We had a total rant on this in the library this morning. They are giving freaking CANCER human rights! It is an attempt to stop abortion and stem cell research in one pop and it is bullshit. Complete bullshit. Do you know how many jokes can be made about this?! Try some.

Oh and Mary Wollstonecraft's Vindication of the Rights of Women rocks my socks. I love my class reading. Seriously though, Wollstonecraft was the shit. Read her.

Hm....what else?

Oh. Just getting this out there. I am not religious but I understand the function for it. Ben asked my opinions on religion last night and I basically wrote him an essay response. He seemed to disregard it or not respond. Sometimes I do not understand the fixation. I think of religion as a belief system and community that arises out of the need for it. I don't love it, I don't hate it. But it obviously has a function. One could argue that science itself is a religion.
Either way, religion is religion and my only interest in it is it's historical and cultural influences, etc, not disproving it or bashing it.

But I will type that up when I have the time. Right now I must be off. There is a ballet performance on campus tonight and I want a good seat.

Oh and heavy wind+heavy door+girl trying to open and go through the door=smooshed girl that is almost killed by the combined efforts of the wind and door.

Peace.
~Lo

27 days of YFAT