I tried to blog last night but honestly I could not stay awake.

But then it kind of sucked when I went to lay down in my bed and could suddenly smell him on my blankets and felt as though his arms should have been around me and his warm body at my back.

It felt like a dream, all evidence of it already gone except for the memories, the shadow of where they stood, the picture as evidence that it was true. But even those can be erased. So where he resides is in my mind...as does all the past...for that is the place where the past was created and
ever will it be. The past is not real when objects are only ever present and subject to the now. They may be erased and vanquished and changed, subjected to the present forces ever and going about an existence unaware. Yes, they have stood for thousands of years but humans are the creators of of that measure of time and the meaning behind it. The past is only in the mind and in the places where we have not removed it and there it remains rather present.

That was a tangent.

I had a very nice time with him. The moments are lasting, sticking in my mind. I do not have near as a good a memory as he does but the experience has weight and value. Everything about it was rather nice.

Picking him up from the airport, taking him back to campus, having a conversation about visual memory as we waited for food, an epic game of Apples to Apples (Squeaky-Clean and AIDS, Graceful and Barfing, Hot and Anne Frank and various other combinations), cuddling and falling asleep. I found out my Wells bed is comfortable but really does not work with two people in it. Also hot as hell...Holy crowza, we sucked down water. It was probably from that whole thing of just the combined body heat as well. But it was nice waking up next to him and just sitting there in silence together.
Oooh he had a good reception by my friends. They were pretty impressed to hear him play piano on Saturday night and asked if was majoring in music and then said that he should. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Saturday we spent wandering campus. I took a lot of pictures. I grabbed some cool ones of him in the library, in the old science building, by the Sycamore and down at the lake. I was glad that I can still take a good picture. I think I am not as bad at portraits as I thought. I guess people are my subject.

We sat on the bench that I wrote Even about. It was very nice to sit there with Ben as cold as the marble was. It really never was suited to an Odd number, a single one. I think even sitting on that bench alone one must picture someone sitting besides them.

We went in to the city and walked around some, had dinner together, talked. It was nice. I think I need some time to explore the city more myself, find some good spots to go for a day. Anyhoo it was cold but nice.

Back on campus we hung out more, went and played pool. I discovered that for the moment I suck at pool. I can see all the angles fine...but my technique needs serious work. Must build skill in bar sports. After the game of pool was when he played the piano and filled the room with the drumming rythem of his fingers on the ivories. People were impressed fo' sho'.

Afterwards we went and took a walk around campus in the dark, saw a bunny hopping around, sat on a log and listened to the sounds of the night, the wind rustling through the trees sounding like the breath of the ocean on a beach. We walked around more and ended up down by the lake on a bench we had sat on earlier that day, leaning against each other, listening to the waves lap against the rocks and the snow and the occasional honk of a Canadian goose in the distance. My right hand was in his left pocket and his left hand was in my right pocket. Our other hands held together.

We went inside when we started to freeze and sat on a couch in a hallway. My head was in his lap as we went on about the state of the world and the future and the past and things. It was very in depth but my unease about it all surfaced as happens and my soul was restless in my chest. We went up to sleep after that.

The next day we spent hanging out until it was time to go. My mom picked us up and so I would not have to be at the airport for three hours since our van schedule at school is very wonky.

I was pretty good. I did not cry at the airport this time. In fact I did not cry period. My mom kept expecting me to though and I kind of growled like "If you keep saying that I probably will cry so stop!" I was rather anxious to be off. I'm not sure I would have held up if I had actually seen his plane take off. But we were both good.

I feel like...something says that I have less to lose but I know those are not the right words. I feel more sure now. I feel like I actually can make it until May but at the same time whatever happens happens. I feel for sure now that he will be a presence in my life for a long time though I am not sure of the ways. But it is still a knowledge in my soul. I think we are both content as we are now or as content as you can be when you live some thousand miles from each other. Life is busy for both of us at the moment. Five weeks as flown by in a blink and the next ones will fly even faster.

I have my low moments. This past week I was entirely stressed with my body and my mind and in those moments I am not the easiest person to be around. But it is a matter of finding those centering moments that reground you. I had a strange moment where suddenly I realized how fast my head had been spinning and then I stopped and realized how out of balance I had been and had to pause a moment as I found the center again and made the wobbling stop, slowed the motion. I things fall back in to place.

So now here I am.

A few things I realized though:
I will not avoid the Sex Talk with my roomie again. We had never really needed to have it before but I think it is kind important after this weekend. She stayed in the room both nights that Ben was here and it makes private time harder to find and somewhat more awkward. Like neither of us had expected to have boyfriends or really have it come up but yeah...things happen. To be straight up physical time is kind of important when you haven't seen each other for five weeks and won't again for another fourteen or so. Yeah...Talking is nice and all and I mean this was definitely no booty call but I like the physical side of things as much as anyone and so does he. So it's like...you need more alone time than just when the roomie is off to the basketball game. Mind you I was completely satisfied with the time I had but...it would have been nice to have the room at night without worrying about any awkward awakenings.
I will type no more on that.

I really enjoyed the independence of having him on campus and being able to go out and around and things. I felt more like an adult than "oooh you come to my parents house and we have fun!" that was January. It was something that we planned and that we took care of ourselves...like adults. So the lack of parental influence and whatnot was very nice. I appreciate my parents and all but I am an adult and it is nice to have the independence and whatnot. It finally felt non-highschool being with a lover.

Mmm that is all I can think to write at the moment. For now I must really get going on my homework. Later I will post pictures from the weekend.

Peace.
~Lo

23 days of YFAT

P.S.
This song by Christina Aguilera is BEAUTIFUL! It is simple and basic and wow. She really does have an amazing voice and can do anything. I just love the song a lot.