I tried- really I did. I can't make it work. I can't make it. I can't work. Eat. Sleep. Watch TV. Think. I do nothing but stare. Cry. It's not all my fault, but try telling me that. I've never felt like this. I am so alone. So lonely. I hurt more than I ever have, and I know the worst is yet to come. I've cried at work, at home, on the phone, in the doctor's office, while driving. Cried in the morning, afternoon and at night. Cried while writing this entry. I cry every time I think about something that was right. I cry every time I think of something that was wrong.

I cry because I want to cry all the time.

I want only to be made whole again. A ring of the phone, a knock on the door. A kind word. A hug. Instead, I get all kinds of advice. I took some of it, others I tossed aside.

I hope and pray for more strength, to go it alone. I once was alone- what's the big problem? Why can't I accept the fact that I can't quite meet needs..?

I got tired of pretending there was no problem and took the first step... prescribed antidepressants, and the knowledge that some possible counseling is available... but it doesn't help me right now. I don't want to be alone, but I can't bear to allow myself, a grown man, to cry in front of my parents, peers, coworkers or friends... there was only one person I trusted that much, and I'm alone now.

I'm so tired and wretched. Sad. Depressed. Pray for me, send good Karma my way, or light a candle. I really need all of the help, love, and good thoughts I can get until the prescriptions kick in.

And don't ever take anything for granted...