The counseling session went well yesterday. The counselor is a very kind, easygoing middle-aged woman, and it was extremely easy for me to open up. I was a bit concerned that I’d get the “Dr. Phil” type that I don’t respond well to. At any rate, after talking with me a bit, and getting my background, she said I sounded like I had signs of depression (for far longer than the recent trauma). She said some things that made a whole lot of sense, and I got some reassurance that I am, in fact, not a bad person with no character or with no hope to be happy again. Hindsight is 20/20, but I wish, if only, sooner, etc…

I have always seen the world in blues, grays and blacks… cynical and dark, always looking for the next bad thing that I would have to traverse through. I’ve always looked for the dark cloud on the horizon, and some days it is a chore to just get through. Since I’ve never really known any other way, I accepted the fact that this is how life is supposed to be, and I assumed that I would just have to work through it, because it never changed for significant periods of time. I expected too much from others. I made a grievous error.

Nothing I have ever done has made me completely happy. Even when I was having fun, I would be dreading the “comedown” and the cycle never stopped. I always liked the upbeat, good, caring, conscientious, loving and soulful part of me… it’s dark-Charlie that I hated, and it seemed more and more that it was taking over, and I hated myself more and more, and the cycle continued… For all you Star Wars fans, I felt like I was being taken over by the dark side. I fought it tooth and nail, but didn’t do so great, and now know I couldn’t do it alone…

I’m trying to change that, but it may take weeks for some real, true healing to begin. In the meantime, I have to be nice to me and try not to worry so much about the situation I have created. I know that I can be saved, and that I can be the best version of me… the version people enjoy meeting, or talking to, or being around, or being in love with. I just hope I can get there soon enough. I don’t want to lose the great things I have taken for granted. I know I won’t always be happy, but I also know that it’s not normal to let a small setback take me down for days or weeks at a time… I’m ready for a change, and if that comes from so much personal pain, it will be well worth it. But nothing is worth the pain I have caused others, and I ask for forgiveness every day for that.

And I hope.

If anyone reading this has any similar thoughts or feelings about themselves, please get help for yourself. If not for you, do it for the ones you love. It hurts them more than you will ever know, and if you drive them away, you will have a hard time forgiving yourself.

Ok, off the soapbox. Hope you all have a great day.