Listening:
"Dry," PJ Harvey
"Pistolgrip Pump," Rage Against the Machine

well. years have started off better for me. But not usually by much. I tend to dislike New Years, and I'm not sure why other than for various reasons there's always something wildly uncomfortable going on.


Here's a little hyper-emotional image: Imagine falling for someone. They're fine with hanging out and fooling around but not fine with your emotions. They're so "not fine" that they break your heart just to get you to knock it off.


Those aren't the facts, if you can follow me, that's just an impressionistic description.


Rejection and depression don't mix, or rather they mix far too well. Even if someone doesn't intend to reject a depressed person, the mind of the depressed person will still take certain data and make it equal "so-and-so doesn't like me; in fact they hate me. Obviously."


My head and my heart have been all over the place in the last few weeks and the last week has been one of the hardest in well over a year.


I can know in my head it's depression. I can know in my head that other people are stressed and I have to let time pass. But there's this heavy blanket of darkness over my heart. It smothers any thoughts of light or fresh air and just talking about it, just bringing it into anyone else's mental emotional space sounds just awful. I can't make this take up anyone else's time, no one should have to try to direct their energy to helping me. Not with all the problems I've brought them.

In my head I know that's silly, that people want to help of their own accord. But in my heart I just want to stop being their problem.