It's been too long since my last posting, and for that, I apologize. It's you--the fans--that make this site what it is.

Anyway, my Pittsburgh chums and I were talking last night about how to tactfully fire employees--we've all been there, of course. The trick is to fire someone in a non-confrontational way that will not provoke further incident. So, without further ado, here are some suggestions for the next time you find yourself in that predicament:

"Did you get a Christmas bonus? No? Good, I was just making sure I didn't send you one by mistake. You're fired."

"If you were in my place, and you had to fire somebody, who would it be? You'd fire Greg? Interesting. Well, I chose you. You're fired."

"It's been a tough year, but I calculated that if I take even a slight cut from my normal massive Christmas bonus, I could afford to keep you on board. On the other hand, I've decided not to do that. You're fired."

"You know how sometimes people who are fired come back to work and shoot their former co-workers with a shotgun? Well, I don't think you have the balls to do that, pussy. You're fired."

"Smith, I'm sorry to say that I have to let you go. Also, I had your car towed--you were parked in a handicap space. What's that? You actually are handicapped? Of course, how silly of me."

"Did you ever have a dream, Johnson? You'd like to own a Bentley, you say? Well no one can take that dream away from you. I can, however, take your job away from you. You're fired."

"Stanley, effective tomorrow, I'm doubling your salary. Effective immediately, however, you're fired."

"Did you get that memo last week about how you would be getting a massive bonus? Well, that was a typo. You're fired."

"Do you know what food stamps look like? No? Well, you will. You're fired."

"Did you know that we used to offer a generous severance package? Not anymore, though. You're fired."

Sometimes it may be appropriate to suggest that you are sleeping with or have slept with the employee's spouse. Observe:

"Johnson, I know it's probably not your fault that your wife won't sleep with me anymore. I don't care though, I'm firing you anyway."

"Bad news, Jones, I'm sleeping with your wife. Oh, and you're fired. Haha--just kidding. Only partly though--you're really fired."

"Remember how your wife said she would love you in sickness and in health? Well, she lied. Ha-HAA--you're fired."

"Ever since I started sleeping with your wife, I've felt guilty every time I see you. I decided it was time to do something about it--you're fired."

"I'll let you keep your job if you let me sleep with your wife. No, wait, I'm doing that anyway. You're fired."

Hope these get you through what can be a sticky situation.