Welcome to tonight's show. First things first--how can milk be assigned a percent? We don't see fractions on sodas, do we?

What ever happened to the Hindenburg? Isn't anyone else familiar with the motto, 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again?'

The more I think about it, the less I like Nazi Germany. That country was headed in the wrong direction.

Remember those people that used to spell 'Osama' with a 'U?' Whatever happened to them? My theory--they want us to think they went away, but they'll return at an opportune time. Look out, America.

Am I then only one who thinks Johnny Knoxville gave an Oscar-worthy performance in 'The Ringer?' Say what you will about Hillary Swank--Knoxville shows what's it truly like to overcome extreme odds.

Where has Gloria Estefan been recently? For my money, that woman is one of the best pound-for-pound singers out there.

Say what you will about Paula Abdul, but she radiates sincerity.

Common knowledge dictates an apple a day keeps the doctor away. What about two apples? Does the second one reverse the effect of the first, re-attracting the doctor? I'd like to see the feds fund a study to that effect.

I'd like to see Sandra Day O'Connor preside at Saddam Hussein's trial. That woman is one tough cookie.

Speaking of men with style, let's talk about Kim Jong Ill. The aviators complement your face perfectly, Kim Jong, as well as your politics. Good selection.

Goodnight.