Some of you may be aware that the Catholic Church just got rid of Limbo, so unbaptised heathens won't spend an eternity in a waiting room. So I figured I'd ask unbaptised heathens how they feel about this, and then I realized--hey, I was never baptised! Now I don't need to go through some ceremony to claim my eternal reward! Swe-eet!

Also, I thought I could one-up the Catholics with my own religion. So, here's my pitch:

Are you sick of sitting through church each week so you can find eternal happiness? Well, good news--YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!!

That's right, the Souljan branch of Christianity is 90 percent more forgiving than Catholicism! At the Church of Souljah, you're allowed up to 3 unexcused absences before the demerits start to kick in. For each demerit you accumulate, you must perform one hour of community service. Got a tee time at the local country club? No problem! Just be sure to do your penance--heck, we even make penance fun! (Note: three unexcused tardies=one unexcused absence).

Sick of the small portions you receive for communion? Well, the Church of Souljah provides you with a magnum of wine and a box of animal crackers EACH TIME YOU TAKE THE SACREMENT!! (Note: a small annual communion due applies, which is then invested in Vegas).

That's right!! We put the 'fun' back into 'sermon'...uh, that is, we put the 'fun' INTO 'sermon,' not back into it.

Our afterlife also includes an amazing 150 percent MORE ETERNAL BLISS than the leading Christian sect!!!

So call 1-800-SOULJAH today! That's 1-800-768-5524! You are under absolutely no obligation to convert!! However, convert within the next 10 minutes and receive a FREE STEPHEN BALDWIN POSTER!!!



Note: Lord, I do not mock thee, only thy servants who make religion about them in the same manner that Geraldo Rivera makes the story about him. But Geraldo does it because the stories mean--PEOPLE MEAN--to him, not because he has a massive ego. So I'll forgive him--and everyone else, because that is what this religion is all about. Except for Barry Bonds--how could he not throw out Sid Bream, a man who'd had 12 knee replacements, as he chugged home to beat the Pirates for the 1992 NLCS? Unbelievable.