So there I was, driving home from work the other day, when I notice that this car in front of me has some sort of unfamiliar bumper sticker. Being my normal curious self, I thought, "What the fuck does that bumper sticker say?" Now at this point, all I can tell is that there's some sort of wording inside a box of some sort. So I sez to myself, the four-second rule be damned, I'm gonna find out what the damned sticker says.

I pull a little closer, I'm maybe 10 feet behind this car, following it around doing about 25 mph. Still no read. Here the thought occurs to me, "It's a bumper sticker, make the letters big enough so I can fucking READ THEM." At this point, I sez to myself, I don't care if my license did just get suspended and there’s several half-drank whiskey bottles in the car, I'm going to see what that damned bumper sticker says.

I pull up to about 6 feet off the car's bumper. By now, the driver in front of me has to be wondering why I’m riding his tail through a school zone. Screw you, buddy. I still can't read your bumper sticker. All I can tell is that there's a sketching of a vehicle of some kind, or maybe it's a map of Togo. Not sure. By now I sez to myself, the powder under my nose and the dead hookers in the trunk be damned, I'm finding out what that fucking bumper sticker says.

When I get to about two feet away from the car, I can finally see the sticker clearly. It's a drawing of a schoolbus, with the words "Drive Safely" on it (this part of the story is true). The hell? First off, if you didn't use a size 6 font for your bumper sticker, I wouldn't be close enough that the slightest braking on your part will probably send you to the hospital. Not to mention, what the hell does a drawing of a bus have to do with inspiring me to drive safely? Are you saying I'd better watch out for buses, cause they'll fucking destroy my two-door coupe in an accident? I'd wager my Civic isn't likely to cause too much damage to the bus or any of your shithead kids on board.

I was reminded of George Carlin's words about the "Baby on board" sign: "Who are the yuppy cocksuckers that came up with this one?" Here are some basic rules about bumper stickers for you:

1. Make the words large enough so that they doesn't encourage people to tailgate. Asshole.
2. Nobody cares if your kid was student of the month. "My kid broke the retarded girl's glasses in dodgeball" is acceptable.
3. Buying a sticker does nothing to support our troops. Not buying that SUV that gets 7 mpgs, further necessitating foreign oil, does.
4. Bush/Cheney won. 71 percent of Americans think you’re an asshole. Take the sticker off.
5. Nobody ever saw a bumper sticker and said, “Hey, holy shit, I should drive safely because this cocksucker tells me to.” If you want to tell people how to drive, join the police like every other asshole out there.