Ive been thinking about a lot about the past lately. J- does that to me. Between thinking of him and mentioning some things to a friend(I hope), There has been one particular incident on my mind. It was the night I tried to kill myself. Truthfully, I am surprised I didnt try to do it sooner. I will just say that my childhood was much more terrible than what triggered the attempt. Anyway, It was a friday night, and I started the night off relatively happy. My roommate was going out with her boyfriend which means I would have the house to myself, and I was waiting for an email from my boyfriend who was home for the summer. I took a shower, put on my pj's and got online. Low and behold, there was my email. But it wasnt the reply I was expecting. If you want to get technical he and I never really dated. We just spent almost all of our free time together, and shared a bed everynight. In my last email to him, I had asked him what I was to him. Which is his own fault. I had told him a few weeks back about an impending trip to his neck of the woods to visit another friend of mine. I never mentioned us getting together because I wanted to see what he would say. His reply to this was, and I quote, "I would invite you over, but I dont think it is a good idea. The last time my brother brought his girlfriend home it went really bad." Now, if someone sent this to you, what would you think? I mean he practicaly lived in my apartment. And I am not exagerating when I say we spent all of our time together. So, he writes me an email saying that he doesnt want the normal life. No white picket fence, 3.5 kids and a dog for him, blah blah blah. I wrote him back and told him I didnt ask him to marry me, just confirm whether or not we were a couple. As I logged off and turned off the computer my anger began to fade. And once again I was left with that horrible empty feeling. An empty feeling created by someone I considered to be family. We had know each other literally since we had been born. I had the stupid I idea that we would grow up and go to college together. Double date, find our husbands and get married on the same day. We would live next door to each other so our kids would grow up together just like we did. And then one day that dream came crashing down. R-was a year younger than me, and when I graduated we decided I would wait a year to go to college so we could go together. It was not long after that when the shit hit the fan. I called her one day, and her friend N-answered the phone. She and N-had become rather close as of late, and the bitch didnt like me. N- answers the phone, and I ask for R-. She says R- is busy and doesnt want to talk to me. Then she hangs up. I call back and the phone rings ten times. R- finally picks up. She proceeds to tell me that I called her friend N- a bitch, and she did not want to talk to me again. She hung up. And I didnt hear from her for a year.The problem is I never called N- a bitch. She made that up. I THOUGHT she was a bitch, but I did not actually CALL her one. Anyway, the next year was hell for me. When I realized that my life would be nothing like I thought it was going to be, I took it rather badly. This happened about a month before my boyfriend went home, and two months before he sent me that stupid email. I sat there staring at the blank computer screen and something in me snapped. The previous month had been spent laying listessly on the couch or my bed. Completely immobilized by depression. I could force myself to go to work, but that was it. That email was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I had on a light green silky nightgown and I remember how cool it felt against my skin as I went around the house gathering every pill I could find. I got a bottle of vodka from the cupboard, put on my portishead cd and swallowed everything I could. The next morning I woke up on the bathroom floor to my portishead cd still playing. I had put it on repeat. That cd to this day is the only thing that can make me feel better when I am depressed. I just lay on the bathroom floor sobbing because I hadnt died. Two days later I began to get angry. Hating her is the only thing that got me through it. I decided that day that I would never let another human being get that close to me. I would still give people my heart and soul, but one tiny portion would be held back. That way no one could ever make me feel like that again. That is really what helps me to deal with J-. I love him, but there is still that little part that is mine. And thankfully I think I might actually be getting over him. Each time seeing him hurts a little less. And hopefully I will find someone else that I can love like that that can love me like that in return.