And sick of people. Mostly I am just sick of myself. I have had a bad day today mentally and hearing that I am percived as an alter-ego of someone across the pond made it worse. I understand his distrust after being hurt so many times but the other people? That fucking puzzles me.

All day today I thought about J-. And no, his name does not actually begin with a J. If he somehow comes across this, I dont want him to know. Although he probobly will now. Fuck. What bothers me the most about him was how it happened in the first place. It was my first time going to a real gay bar. I had been to the one where I live that had a "gay night" once a week. I had made many gay friends, and on saturday they always went to this other bar in a neighboring city. I was tired of being left out, so I decided to tag along. Talk about culture shock. I went into the bathroom and opened the door to the toilet itself. Inside was two men. In the womens bathroom. I had no idea what to do. When they came out one of them noticed the look on my face and said "is this your first time coming here?" I nodded. "We use the girls because the boys is so dirty, youll get used to it." Eventually I did. What caused me to take refuge in the girls bathroom was J-. I saw him two seconds after we walked in. He was a waiter. His back was to me but as soon as I saw him I stopped in my tracks. My heart lurched in my chest and I could not move. I stood there totally unable to breath, and finally he turned around. As soon as I saw his face I knew. From that very moment I have been head over heels in love with him. I am mad at myself because it happened. I hold very high standards for myself, and I become very cranky when they are not met. Other people can do as they please, but when it comes to me, there is no slacking. But how do you get out of something like that? If it had been a gradual thing I could have gotten out before it was to late. Cut off contact. But this happened before he even spoke to me. And not see him? That would have been like never seeing the sun again. He had to have seen me gawking him the first month or so that I went there. One of my friends informed me that J- had asked him about me. After that I only stared at him when his back was to me. Not long after that I met him face to face. This place never took ID's. If you looked under 21 you were marked under and that was that. Up until that week, I had always had it with me, just in case. Well, lo and behold the week I forget my ID at home, they begin to require them. I went with my roommate who was expecting other friends from a city two hours away, so we could not run home and get it. He offered, but I declined. I knew how much he had been looking forward to this night, and I told him I would just sit in the car outside. He agreed reluctantly. It was winter and very cold outside. He left me in the car with the keys to turn on the heat, bottled water and some crackers he always carried around. Through the night various people came out to check on me. About every 15 minutes until I insisted I was fine, and that they leave me alone and enjoy themselves. Around 2am my roommate comes back into the car and says that I can come back in. I asked him how that came about, and he said that J- had went to the owner and bothered him until he said I could go in. He kept saying how cold it was, how I came there every week and so on. The owner relented and after 2am, when booze was no longer served, he let me in. I went up to J- and thanked him, hoping I didnt to grateful. I thought that would be it. But two hours later he came up and asked me for my phone number. Me, who is a girl, dresses weird, weighs 200lbs. I asked him why. He said because he watched me all the time and that I looked cool. I hung out with all the cool people and I looked like I would be fun to get to know. I actually laughed out loud. Me, cool. That was news to me. I had never been cool in my whole life. Needless to say I gave him my number. And I still go to gay bars. I mean, where else can someone like me be "cool"