Wednesday sucked. A lot. It started out innocently enough. I went back to work to get my check, and ended up just staying for half an hour waiting for it make it to work. We had just went to visit my grandma, so my parents were out in the car. After ten minutes my cousin suggested that I just tell them to leave, and he would take me home. After we got our check we did some shopping and went to dinner. We talked about his boyfriend, and how he has to hide from the family. It was a fun evening over all. When he suggested that we stop by another cousins house who lived near by I was in a good mood so I said sure why not. But I forgot that she has a little boy. Actually I didnt forget, I just didnt think it would bother me. I thought I had pretty much gotten used to the fact that I wont be having any children of my own. Until I saw that little boy. He is almost a year old and cute as can be. As most children are. The problem is he is exactly what I would have wanted my own son or daughter to look like. He is half mexican half white. Like me. Like my neice that I was so attached to. I played with him for an hour and talked with the cousins, then we left. I cried myself to sleep that night. It just kills me that I cant have children. That there is almost no chance. I would make a good mom. Or i think I would. I wouldnt be like most parents. Too busy to do things with them. i would take them to the library, museums, circuses, all the things I didnt have as a kid. The only thing that stopped me from getting knocked up at 14 was that I wanted to be able to be mature and provide a good life for my kid. Turns out that is what I should done. I waited to long I guess. That is part of what makes it hard to live here. How can you tell your parents that the reason you dont date is because you dont see the point? All I really wanted out of that was a father for my child, and that isnt needed now. I mean eventually I will date again but I am not up for that emotional ride.