The days crawl by. I know I am half way through when I hit a hard wooden bench. I turn my gaze upward and see the night sky. Its beauty courses through me as I lay there in the shadowed moonlight. The feeling builds in me as the clouds finally drift away, bathing me in the brilliance of moons light. My heart fills with contentment, and when I turn my gaze to the left he is there. Watching me with same rapt attention and appreciation that moments ago I had gazed upon the moon. When he smiles my heart overflows and for the first time in my life I know what it is like to feel beautiful.

My eyes close as he leans in for a kiss. When they reopen he is gone and I am somewhere else. At first I am disoriented. It usually takes much longer to reach this place. Your cry lets me know where I am. As we rock back and forth I sing to you. My voice trying to stop your tears when nothing else will. I am on my third and favorite song when you lean back and stare up at me. The last tears streaming down your cheeks.

"...Changing my life with a wave of her hand, nobody can deny that there’s something there. I want her everywhere, and if she’s beside me I know I need never care. But to love her is to need her everywhere..."

I cradle you in my arms while I sing, and you wrap my hair around your little fingers. My singing fades as I go deeper. I cringe as I enter the worst layer of all. Here is where the worst of it is. The things I want to keep buried that simply will not die. Here I keep the shame, rage and humiliation of a child. The years of living in hell on earth. Wanting to kill or be killed. Hating myself and everything around me. Spending my days trying to cope and my nights lost to bad dreams.

Getting past this final layer is excruciating. I will not be able to get through until I once again face these things. Everywhere I turn I see HIS face. Hear HIS voice. Feel HIS touch. The violation and revulsion hits me from every direction. At times I am forced to curl up into a little ball to protect myself from the onslaught, silently screaming until the screams drown out all thoughts of HIM.

And suddenly it is over. I am too tired to fight. After what seems like an endless time of torment it is over. I fall through to where my gem is kept. Gathering it to me with shaking hands I hold it to my heart. Happiness and love fill my soul, giving it wings. With my prize in hand I soar through the layers. Up, up until I reach the newly decimated top level. I hold the gem tight feeding off of its energy and hoping it will help me to rebuild. To repair some of the damage so that I might go on. As the gems power floods through me I raise my head to the increasing warmth of the sun, my hands stop shaking and as the power reaches its peak.

Then comes the bombshell. It startles me so that I lose hold of the gem. It falls to the ground and disintegrates before my eyes. So I do the same. I fall to the ground and begin to slowly fall apart.

One thought tumbles around through my head. This terrible, terrible thought has slowly taken over.