Having a fever is a bad thing for me. It makes me horribly maudlin. I start wanting all those things I cannot have. Take my cousin for example. He wants to be friends with me, and at times I want to be friends with him. The only problem is that some of the things I have done in my life, I never intended to share with la familia. And he is la familia. I have a hard time holding back with him though. I just keep thinking to myself that if we had met on the street we could have been great friends. Or should I say in the gay bar. He is gay too. Anyway, I want to go to his house and hang out with him and his boyfriend and get high like everybody else. But do I want that to get back to the family? No I dont. I dont want them to know I have tried almost every illegal drug just for the hell of it. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. But most of all they cannot find out my deepest secret. And when I become friends with someone, good friends, it is inevitible that they find out. I have to tell them because they start asking questions about why I act the way I do. The fact that I was raped by my half brother when I was three, and molested until I was six has shaped my life. In Matt's last journal he said he wishes that he were a lesbian, and sometimes so do I. It would make may life a hell of a lot easier. Since age twelve I have been tortured by my attraction to men. I have felt everthing from revultion to fear to just plane not being worthy. I cannot imaging actually having to sit down and tell someone "Hey, I really like you but when you touch me it freaks me out." I am not that bad anymore, but I have a different kind of fear. How am I going to find someone understanding and patient enough to deal with me. I am willing to try, but will someone else be? The first year at the gay bar was hard for me. I had always thought how much easier my life would be if I were a lesbian. I figured that immersing myself in that culture would answer the question once and for all, and it did. I felt the same way I always had tword other women. I didnt like them much as friends. And as far as the phsical, there was just nothing they could do for me. If you dont have a penis, a real penis, not one of those strap on dildos I am just not interested. I have boobs of my own to play with. Same with the vagina. What do I need someone elses for. Plus I just never developed and atraction to a women. It was always the men. And one man in particular. (Abrupt switch of subject I know but I am good at that)I remember once when I was 11 years old my father came to me and asked me if my brother had ever touched me. I just stood there and stared. He said that he had tried to do the same thing to one of my cousins, and he wanted to know if he had done it to me as well. I couldnt answer. The look in his eyes scared the shit out of me. He would have killed him if I had said yes. Dont get me wrong, I would have loved to see that bastard dead. I still would. But I knew that if I admitted it, my dad would go to prison. Over that piece of shit. I would then have to spend my whole life without the person I loved most in the world. So I said no. He didnt believe me, but he let it go. Him and three of my uncles took him out the country, beat him within an inch of his life and left him there. When he does die, I am going to party like it's 1999. Then I will not have to watch anymore. As of right now I consider it my personal mission in life to make sure he does this to no other child. As soon as he starts dating someone I call them and tell them he is a child molester, so you'd better lock up your kids. I also tell them that if you dont keep your kids away from him I was going to call child protective services. And i have done just that. Oh well, enough for now. I need more codine.