Anne,

What a weekend. I guess in a way it is a bad thing Josh moved back. I am right back into the drinking and drugs again. But I cant say I dont like it. That I havent missed it. I am starting to feel like myself again. Its like taking back something that was ripped away. I never thought I would feel like this again, or see Josh again and having things going back to being the same is destructive but wonderful. I was so sick of life. A normal life. Staying in and watching tv with the folks. My only form of entertainment going out to dinner and a movie. Dont get me wrong, these are not bad things and I enjoy them from time to time. But I felt so strange there. It was somewhere I did not want to be. I dont care about clothes or cars or what is popular. All I have ever cared about is dancing. Going to the club and feeling that music pulse through your whole body. The bass so loud that if I stand next to the speakers it makes my skirt move. The drugs or booze heightning the experience and making it almost sexual. I love going out. I love do dance and party and when I lost that world I went dead inside. I hated everthing and everyone around me trying to make me conform and belong to their world. A world I would rather die than be a part of. If I cant have kids then I am going to live it up god dammit because it is the only thing I have left. If I cannot pass my knowledge and love on to my child then I might as well destroy it. What use is it anyway? God Anne I am just so tired. I know I should be to old for this but it just feels so right. The more I crave attention from men the more drugs I do. I want to be able to be like everyone else and just whore around but I cant. Saturday was awful. It was one of those nights where I wanted someone so bad it hurt. It is times like these that make me thankful I go to the gay bar. I cannot make the mistake of going home with someone I dont know. I am so lost and confused right now anne. Adam is no help. As much as I love and need him he cannot give me what I need most. He cant hold me at night and let me sleep in his arms. He cannot be my first so I know my first time was with someone I loved. I dont know what I would do without him. Truthfully, I would go insane. I remember all those years when I Thought I was fucking crazy because of him. When I went in for that tarot reading and the guy saw and heard him I dont think I have ever been so relived in my life. Well anne thats it for now. i have bad cramps and the pain meds are making me loopy.