Anne,

Well, it didnt take long for the shit to hit the fan now did it? Josh and I went out tuesday night and I thought everything was fine. Then on our way out of bar he freaks. He gets all teary and says he wants to go home. That is fine in theory. But he is drunk as hell and i dont want him driving home. I try to tell him this and he tells me just get in the car. Yeah okay. So I get in the car and he drives me home. Again I try telling him to stay with me for awhile until he sobers up. He says no, that I should go in. I ask him if he is mad at me. No, I could never be mad at you. And then I get out and he leaves. The problem is I think he is mad at me. And I think I know why. He is crushing hard on my cousin. I knew that. But tuesday he tells me that he really likes him and from the first time he met him he felt this connection, blah blah blah. I almost threw up. That is precisely how I felt about ____, and Josh has no more chance with Bob than I do with ____. Bob is hung up on some other guy. And if Josh is mad at me it is only in the sense that I introduced him to the man he wants to marry. I hated the guy who first took me to the gay bar for the very same reason. Shit. I hope everything works out. I just love him so much. I want him to be happy and If I could make things work out I would. I hope he understands that. Other than that things are fine I guess. We got the forclosure papers today, so it wont be long till we are out of here. I am just tired and worn out. Adam has been keeping me up at night, wanting to talk. I am sick of talking. Talking doesnt make it any better so why bother? I have periods like this and it is up to me to get through them. After all, my friends have their own issues and I dont want to bother them with this. They cant say anything to make it better either. I need to read my cards but I am afraid of what the negative energy I am feeling will do to them. Checking in on Matt's journal and seeing he is doing a bit better made me happy though. Ah, well I might as well go. Chores to do and all that.