Anne,

Is it possible for one person to be so tired? Not only in body but also in soul? Going out this past month has been strange because everyone I have ran into that I havent seen in years says I still look the same. I have not aged a day since age 19. I would think it was just someone being nice but I have heard it alot. The lady at the dentist last month asked me if I was over 21 and she was serious. I get carded all the time. But I feel so old. Older than Methuselah. I feel so used up. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing surprises me. Nothing makes me feel much of anything. I hate being so apathetic but at the same time it is kind of nice. I seem to feel emotion like no one else does. It hurts me physically and mentally. Like this thing with Josh. I feel sick to my stomach and I just ache inside. If he is feeling what I felt so many years ago, and it is my fault... It just tears me up. I feel like nothing will ever go right in my life again. That I am condemed to try harder and harder for some kind of happiness only to be have yanked away when I am almost there. I have trouble believing I am this old. I always thought I would die before I turned twenty. Now I am 29 and doing nothing but waiting for death. I often wish that I just would not wake up in the morning, that the powers that be would take pity on me and spare me the ordeal of dealing with my fucked up life. Until my brother dies, I will not take my own life. That is a certainty. Also, there is Adam to stay my hand. Adam who made the same mistake and doesnt want me to do the same. Yet I so often sit here and think what do i have to live for? There isnt a person I know who would not eventually get over my death. Except maybe my Ama, so I wouldnt kill myself in her lifetime. I cannot have children. I cannot have the one thing I thought every women was guarenteed. There will be not little me running around putting joy into my fathers eyes. There will only be me. Me who was never really good enough but the best he had so he made do with. Often times I sit here and think about the possiblity that I could live to be 40. Or 50. Or 60. It scares the hell out of me. Basicly at this point I see my life as watching other people die. I have already seen my Apa and my grandma and grampa go. Three of my cousins. What about Ama, the other twelve aunts and uncles and their spouses, the other fifty first cousins? Is that really what my life will be? Just watching them die? God I am in a morbid mood today Anne.