Anne,

I am getting really worried. Josh wont call me back and I dont want to keep calling him and bugging him but I am starting to get freaked out. I am going to try emailing him. Maybe he will email me to let me know he's okay. I just worry so much because of the drugs. And if this is as big as I think it is turning back to the meth is serious possiblity. Maybe I am overreacting. I mean I was so thunderstruck for two weeks after I met ____ that I was in a haze. I could barely go to work let alone talk to anyone about how I was feeling. Maybe he is ashamed that he even told me. I know the first time I told someone I felt like an ass. I mean, I knew there was no chance and yet it still happened. I usually have better control over my emotions than that. That is what really pissed me off. That loss of control. I mean come on. Me. Me who is always in control of myself and very logical takes one look at gay man and falls head over heals in love. God Anne I hated myself for months after that. Maybe that is how he is feeling. He knows how Bob feels about Ryan. Hell he has been in exactly the same situation. So he know just how likely it is that they will be anything but friends. Alright, time for a new subject. It looks like my vacation is off. We got served with forclosure papers so we dont have long to be here. I have no idea if we will be moving around fourth of july or what. My mom has to have that surgery and what if that is around the same time? I am really bummed out about that. I havent been to the badlands in so long. I was really looking forward to hanging out there a couple of days and recharging. The energy there is just phenomanal. I leave there feeling so good and clean and happy for months afterward. Plus I miss amanda. I feel so bad because I have been lax in keeping in touch with her. I have been so tired and fucking out of it. That is no excuse, but it is the truth. Maybe I will email her too and apologize. When I get like this without an anchor I have no idea how far away I have drifted. I mean I read all the emails she sends me. I just dont reply most of the time. It's that whole apathy thing. Shit, Brooke emailed me around easter and I still havent emailed her back. God I need to get it together.