Anne,

I finally heard from josh. Thank god for that, I was going crazy. I wish I could explain to him how that made me feel. He just called up and acted like nothing was wrong. Now usually I would not take that shit from anyone. But I was so glad to hear him doing okay I just let it slide. I just want to tell him that when he shuts me out like that it kills me. I have a highly developed sense of empathy and when someone needs my help and wont let me give it it drives me nuts. Especially when it is someone I love as much as I love Josh. To me Anne, he is the only brother I have. The other one is just some sick fuck that happens to be my fathers son. That is like Bob, when he was having all that trouble with Ryan and he would not open up to me. I could feel his hurt like it was mine and I just wanted to make things better. When I finally got him to open up to me you could see the change in his demeanor. He felt lighter, happier to have gotten it out. That is what I want to do for Josh. As much as I can anyway. When you fall in love with the wrong person nothing much helps. I am glad to be writing to you online. That way my journal will not be lost like all the ones I wrote as a kid. Although the ones from my junior high days I am glad they have disappeared. I went back and reread some of that once and wanted to set it on fire. I could not believe the idiotic things that I wrote down. Things like "I love _____ and he is the only boy I will ever let touch me." "Seeing him in the hallway is my favorite part of the day" and other horrors. Yuck, it makes me cringe. And the ones from ninth through eleventh grade are just as bad. It's funny because I thought I was in love with Chris and I wasnt. I realize now that it was that damn overdeveloped sense of empathy again. If anyone ever needed help that poor kid did. I am so glad I have learned to know the difference between the two. It is funny everyone tells me I dont look older than 19 because I miss those days so much. I knew who I was and what I wanted then. Now I am pretty directionless and apathetic, which doesnt help me in chosing a direction. But I am of course reading your book again, which always sets me straight for at least a little while. Funny how it is always this time of year I read it. I am still trying to make my way through that book about god that Char lent me. The only problem with it is is that it spouts that same shit that pisses me off. God has a plan for you. God is always right. Well you know what? If being raped at age three, molested until age 6, physicaly and mentally tortured until age ten, and left alone to deal with it as I may, I dont fucking like that plan. Yeah it has made me really good at helping people but it has fucked up every other aspect of my life. Some fucking plan god. Could you maybe revise that a little?