Anne,

I hate life. If I could grab whoever did this to me and choke them I would. I felt this overwhelming urge to come stay at my cousins. So I did. It hasnt been to bad. Until now. I check my email and there is an email from ____. He wants to come hang out because they will be in town. And of course I am here. Why is it that I cannot get anything right? I thought that I had it under control. I thought to myself how happy I was because I didnt feel all worked up over him, and I get that fucking email. And I feel sick. My heart is pounding and I am all dissapointed and shit. I seriously dont want to be alive anymore. I am so sick of this crap. All I want is to get away. To go away. I hurt so bad inside that sometimes I just cant take it. Nothing is working out for me, and I just want to scream. I want all of these things I cant have. I would be happy with one. Just one. I cant even talk to anyone about this. If I tell Josh It will ruin his night, which I dont want to do since coming over here will be hard enough as it is. I am sick and tired of feeling lost and alone. Every one's life is pretty much under control so I cant let their problems replace mine. It isnt even replacment so much as it is nessasary. It makes me feel useful and alive. I read my cards today and here I thought I had everything under control, and of course for a while I thought I did. That was a good few hours right there. This is what I mean about getting knocked down. I cant even feel good for a whole day anymore before getting the wind knocked out of me. When am I going to get something for me? When will I be happy? If it is never just fucking let me know. Then I could at least be prepared. I dont even know what to write or what to think anymore. I just hurt so much. I am sick of everything being taken away from me. I want just one thing to keep. I probobly have it and dont even know it. I m not sure i would recongnize it if it bit me in the ass. I really have been trying to look for the joy in the little things in life, but most of the time I fail miserably. I just want to be numb. I dont want to feel anymore. I want this empathy to go away for awhile and leave me the fuck alone. Why do I have to know these things about people, and why is it up to me to do something about it? Why wont they let me in? Like mandy. I often wonder what all she doesnt tell me. Like that month or so she was so depressed and upset. She wouldnt talk to me about it and I could feel the pain coming off of her in waves. I am going to track down some pills.