Anne,

I dont have the energy for it. My nerves are shot. Since last tuesday I have had a really bad headache and felt like I was going to hurl. It only got worse as the week went on. Saturday night I did hurl. For quite some time. I didnt go out with Josh and now I think he is sulking. Either that or he stayed at Bob's and something happened and he is afraid to tell me. I dont see why. Bob is my cousin, It is not like I am intereseted in him in that way. The only thing I cannot get Josh to understand is that I dont want to hear details. I dont want to know how big (or how small) his dick is, How good he is at kissing, or giving head, or anything of the sort. I have tried for years to get Josh not to tell me this shit, but he always does. I am just not that type of person. I find nothing wrong with anything he says to me, well most things, I just think what happens in the bedroom should stay there for the most part. I am a very private person, and I dont like the idea of my bedroom escapades discussed with other people. It is none of their business really. If I wanted them to know, they would be there. And that whole up the ass thing. I dont think so. Im sorry, but that is just not for me and hearing about it makes my ass hurt. That is one thing about Josh I dont like. Aside from insisting that everyone is gay, he also insists that no matter who you are, you want to be more adventurous in the bedroom. I have told him countless times that is not true. He just smiles like he knows I'm lying. Sometimes, like now, I just want to scream at him "You know what? Not everyone is like you. I can barely stand to be touched by a man let alone do werid fucked up things. Do you know what it is like to be so attracted to men, yet at times feel so repelled?" Does he? Does anyone? That has been so hard for me. I am fine with a man until he wants to go to far, and then I just close up and push him away. As far away as possible. There is a war that goes on inside me. I know there is nothing wrong with my attraction but because of what happened as a kid my feelings are warped. I start to feel weird. Like if he knew he wouldnt want to touch me. And when that doesnt work other feelings surface. Each worse than the next until I cant take it anymore and give up. Do you remember that time I let that guy pick me up at uptown? I even took him home with me. We took a shower together, he washed my hair. It was sweet. Then we went into my bedroom. For once it didnt go all down hill from there, but when I realized that I wasnt even slightly turned on, I kicked him out of my bed. Told him I had to work early, and it was time for him to go. That is what I mean about not being normal. Because I didnt know him, because I didnt have a strong mental connection with him I felt nothing. I mean everyone I know can pick random people up and fuck their brains out and be happy. So, I cant be touched by someone I have that strong connection with because I start to have weird thoughts. And I cant pick someone random up because it doesnt do anything for me. No wonder I am attracted to gay men.