Anne,

I dont know what to do with all this anger inside me Anne. I can feel it building and building with no outlet. Who am I going to freak out on? Who is it going to be? I am terrified it might be Josh. I love him so much but I am afraid of him too. What if he gets addicted to the meth again, or something else? Loosing him the first time almost killed me, I cant go through that again. And there is the fact that in the love I have for him lies my only true vulnerability. He alone has the power to hurt me now. And I just want to take that power away. I never in my worst nightmares would have thought that my father would have spoken to me like he did. And if he can, then Josh certainly can. I know how I stand with everyone else. Mandy, nowhere. I feel that she lies to me and doesnt truthfully answer my questions. Amanda, a good friend but to far away to be of help. Bob, my cousin. I thought we could be friends but I dont think he feels really comfortable around me. I get the distinct impression that he likes me, but he doesnt want too. Paul? Paul is paul. Sometimes we are in each others lives somtimes we arent. I know severing my connection with Josh would be wrong. It would hurt us both beyond words. But I am so afraid. And so angry. That is not a good combo when it comes to me. I always do something to fuck things Up when I am like this. I want someone to hurt like I hurt. To feel as bad as I do. In the moment anyway. As soon as I do that to someone I instantly wish I could take it back. Because it never makes me feel better, just worse. It is times like this when my depression is at its worst. I am only 29 years old. And I hate life this much. Even in poor health I could live to be 70. Or older. When I think about that I want to run for a sharp knife. Forty years or more. It makes me sick to my stomach. I saw something on tv the other day that really made me laugh. It was about suicide, and how someone who wants to off themselves always makes a last grasp for help. What a bunch of shit. Maybe it is true for most people. Because they dont really want to die. But those of us that do? There will be no final reaching out. Nothing. No one will know but me. Over all these years anne you know that I have a thing if you will for commiting suicide. But I have never told you why. Well, here goes. Because it is the ultimate in control. God or whatever can dance me around on his puppet strings only so long. I have the choice. I have the choice of ending it. Whenever I want, however I want. He can take my life, but that would only make me happy. So in the end it is really up to me. I win. It is the only thing that has kept me going all these years. sad isnt it? But it is true. It is up to me to decide and when I do, no one will know. I will live my life as I always have, but I will be gone as soon as possible. I have always wrestled with leaving a note. Would it matter? I want people to understand me but will they? Or will they do what they have done my whole life and hear only what they want to? That is what always appealed to me about you Anne. In the first pages of your diary you wrote something like "I cant help but wonder if anyone will be interested in reading the musings of a teenage girl." And the world has listened. I dont want anything so grand for myself. It is the reason I reread your book so often. Because the things you went through did not make you bitter and jaded. All you wanted was to move on to better things. I want that ability. To be able to look ahead. To a better tommorrow. But lacking that, I'll take the one thing I can have. For once.